Bengavarreobras: STOOP ROMANCE (a Retro Comedy).

lunes, 12 de octubre de 2026

STOOP ROMANCE (a Retro Comedy).

STOOP ROMANCE

(a Retro Comedy)

bengavarre@gmail.com

SETTING: Outside a luxury 1970s apartment building in a nice neighborhood like the Upper East Side, New York City. There is a well-kept garden and a wrought-iron gate with an intercom.

CHARACTERS:

SPARKY: A neighborhood grease monkey. Greasy overalls, huge mutton chops, shirt unbuttoned showing his hairy chest, carrying a massive monkey wrench.
ARTHUR: A bureaucrat. Tight lime-green polyester leisure suit, bell-bottoms, wide kipper tie, thick horn-rimmed glasses, carrying a briefcase.
CHRISSY: The housemaid. Pastel pink uniform, green colored contacts, huge Farrah Fawcett feathered hair. Expertly chews bubblegum.
MR. AND MRS. STERLING: The snobby "nouveau riche" landlords.
THE WATER BOY, THE BUTCHER, and THE EVANGELIST: Vendors and such.
JOHNNY: Chrissy’s boyfriend. A stud NYC Yellow Cab driver.

SCENE 1: THE SIDEWALK ENCOUNTER

(Morning in the Upper East Side. SPARKY is leaning against the building's gate, polishing his wrench with a rag. ARTHUR walks up briskly. Sparky looks him up and down, lingering a second too long on the tight fit of the bureaucrat's bell-bottoms).

SPARKY Well lookee here, Mr. Suit! What’s the rush? You coming to sharpen your pencil this early, or just looking for a place to shove your paperwork? (Stares deeply into his eyes)

ARTHUR (Adjusts his tie, and touches Sparky’s overalls as if by accident) Show some respect, maestro. I’m here to review internal affairs... I brought a rather large package full of... proposals. And I'm here to see if it fits in Chrissy’s drop-box.

SPARKY (Stepping a little closer than necessary) Ooh, Mr. Suit... for that drop-box you only got a flimsy little folder with no spine... Look, pal, I’m the one who tunes up the heavy machinery around here. Whenever something squeaks in the rear, I get my hands on the chassis and leave it running nice and smooth...

ARTHUR (Without backing down, holding his gaze) Don’t make me laugh, Sparky. I know exactly how to open a file from the back without bending the pages...

(CHRISSY comes out to the gate with a broom. She chews her gum and pops a loud bubble. Both men instantly strike a macho pose).

CHRISSY You two boneheads. Keep your tools and your little papers to yourselves, this building ain't a chop shop or a filing cabinet. What do you want, or are you just blocking traffic, or what?

SPARKY Chrissy, my sweet ride! Just guarding your entrance, my queen. You know I always look after your front bumper and your tailpipe.

ARTHUR I brought you a little gift, gorgeous. (Pulls a squished Ding Dong out of his briefcase) A sweet treat for a sweet lady. Next payday, I’m taking you out for fancy fondue.

SCENE 2: THE PARADE OF VENDORS

(A shout is heard: "Water delivery!". The WATER BOY arrives rolling a heavy glass jug).

WATER BOY Fresh water for Miss Chrissy! Should I take it all the way up top, or stick it in the back patio?

SPARKY (Stepping in the middle, threatening with the giant wrench) You ain't taking up or... giving nothing to the lady, pal! I’m the only one who services her pipes! Beat it, scram!

(The Water Boy runs off. The BUTCHER BOY arrives with a butcher paper package).

BUTCHER BOY Chrissy, I brought the Italian sausage for your bosses to eat. But for you, I saved a couple of extra-thick salamis on the side, for your cravings.

ARTHUR (Pushing the Butcher with his briefcase) Take your tube steaks somewhere else! The lady here only handles prime cuts.

(The Butcher drops the package at the gate and flees. A man in a pristine suit with a briefcase and a huge smile arrives: THE EVANGELIST).

EVANGELIST Good morning, brothers. Do you have a minute to talk about the Second Coming...?

SPARKY & ARTHUR (In unison, shouting highly offended) THE ONLY ONE COMING AROUND HERE IS ME!

(Realizing what they just yelled at the exact same time, Sparky and Arthur stare at each other. They blush slightly and clear their throats, adjusting their clothes, completely forgetting about Chrissy for a moment. The Evangelist crosses himself and runs away).

SCENE 3: THE BOSSES

(MR. AND MRS. STERLING walk up, loaded with Bloomingdale's shopping bags).

MRS. STERLING Jesus, Mary, and Saint Joseph! George, look at the riffraff blocking our entrance. Chrissy! Why do you let these peasants hover around our property?

MR. STERLING Hey, you two! Scram before I call the cops!

CHRISSY Geez, Mr. Sterling, I don't even know 'em. One wants to polish my hood and the other wants to stamp my forms.

SCENE 4: THE ENGINE NOISE

(Suddenly, the deafening honk of a car horn playing "La Cucaracha" echoes. Tires screech. JOHNNY struts into the scene with full 70s swagger, wearing a leather jacket and giant aviator sunglasses).

JOHNNY (Chewing on a toothpick) Hey, hey, hey! Turn the jukebox down! What’s the word, my golden girl? We outta here or what?

CHRISSY (Her face lights up. She drops the broom) Johnny, my sweet baboo! You're purring like a kitten. Breaking news, bosses: he’s my fiancé. You can keep your broom and your sausage! Let’s go, Johnny, I can’t wait to break in the fuzzy dice in your cab.

(Chrissy and Johnny walk away hugging. Mr. and Mrs. Sterling, totally indignant, storm into the building and slam the iron gate shut).

SCENE 5: THE CLIMAX AND THE TUNE-UP

(The street falls dead silent. Sparky and Arthur are left alone on the sidewalk, staring in the direction the cab left. Slowly, the hostility fades away. The air feels different. They slowly turn to look at each other).

SPARKY (Nervously playing with his massive wrench, dragging out his words) Damn my luck, Mr. Suit... All that time loosening the nut... for nothing.

ARTHUR (Places his briefcase on the ground. He takes off his thick-rimmed glasses and looks at him with unexpected depth) Indeed, my friend... And here I am with the file wide open, so much red tape stuck inside...

(Sparky takes a slow step toward Arthur, closing the gap. There is no anger anymore, only a sudden mutual sympathy).

SPARKY (Lowering his voice) Well, like I told ya... my master wrench adjusts any part. It's just a matter of finding... the right nut. Y'know, so we don't waste all this energy.

ARTHUR (Smiling, looking directly at Sparky's unbuttoned shirt) Rumor has it there’s a dive bar two blocks down called "The Rusty Piston"... Word is, it’s a great spot for confirmed bachelors, they say. What do you say we go, grab a few stiff drinks... and... see what kind of paperwork we can file together?

SPARKY (Gently takes Arthur’s briefcase from his hands to carry it himself) You got it, Mr. Suit. You buy the drinks... I’ll cover the tune-up.

(Arthur, very softly, adjusts the collar of Sparky's greasy overalls. Sparky puts his arm around Arthur like a true companion. They take a couple of steps together, but suddenly Arthur stops).

ARTHUR Say, Sparky... with this heat, that bar seems like a pretty long walk.

SPARKY You hit the nail on the head, buddy. Better speed up the paperwork, like you suit guys say...

ARTHUR Took the words right out of my mouth, I'm dying of thirst.

(They both stand at the edge of the sidewalk, raise their arms at the exact same time with perfect 70s flair, and look down the avenue).

SPARKY & ARTHUR (In unison, at the top of their lungs) TAAAAXIIII!!!

(The loud screech of a Yellow Cab slamming on its brakes is heard. The two men run off toward the car, arms around each other. A groovy, sensual Latin soul track by Los Ángeles Negros starts blasting at full volume as the scene fades to black).

CURTAIN