TWO’S A CROWD IN BED
(Or: Battle of the Sheets)
ENGLISH VERSION
TWO’S A CROWD IN BED
(Or: Battle of the Sheets)
© INDAUTOR
Cd. De México
Contact: bengavarre@gmail.com
gavarreunam@gmail.com
IMPORTANT NOTE ON STAGING AND TRANSITIONS:
This play requires a breakneck pace. Transitions between scenes must be almost instantaneous. There is no time for full costume changes. Actors should wear a neutral base (e.g., dark pants and t-shirt) and use minimal symbolic elements to define the character: rustic cloths, red Roman cloths, a Greek helmet, straw hats, a Batman mask and cape, glasses for Jekyll.
TOTAL BLACKOUTS between scenes MUST BE AVOIDED. Lighting and music (short, intense sound bridges) are fundamental to cover the transitions, which must happen in plain sight of the audience. The action of one scene should "push" the next, keeping the bed as the central axis and avoiding dead time. Actors must enter and exit with the energy of the next character already in place, sometimes crossing paths on stage.
CAST AND CHARACTERISTICS:
The play is written for two male actors who play multiple roles.
- ACTOR 1 (The "Dominant" / "Older Brother" Archetype): Usually plays the character who is more pragmatic, serious, aggressive, or the leader in the dynamic.
- Roles played: CAIN, ROMULUS, ACHILLES, DR. JEKYLL, TOM SAWYER, BATMAN, and MARK (Antonio).
- ACTOR 2 (The "Submissive" / "Younger Brother" Archetype): Usually plays the character who is dreamier, complaining, reluctant, or the sidekick in the dynamic.
SETTING:
A bed in the center stage. Always the same one, looking as if it has been used for millennia.
SCENE 1: THE DISCOVERY
CAST:
- CAIN: Actor 1
- ABEL: Actor 2
(Dawn light. The bed is alone. ABEL (Actor 2) enters draped in a rustic cloth. He stops dead when he sees the bed. He looks at it as if it were an alien object. He circles it, touches it fearfully).
ABEL: Oh! Praise be! A… thing. A rectangular and… fluffy thing. Is it an altar? Is it a test of faith?
(CAIN (Actor 1) enters, also very rustic. He looks at the bed, looks at Abel, snorts).
CAIN: What are you doing talking to a piece of furniture?
ABEL: Cain, brother. Look at this. It’s like the ground, but elevated. And soft. I think God has sent us a message.
CAIN: God sent us a place to stop sleeping on rocks, Abel. It’s called a "bed". And I saw it first.
(Cain throws himself onto the bed, occupying the entire center, face down, with a groan of brute pleasure).
ABEL: But… what about the ritual? Shouldn’t we sacrifice a lamb on top first to give thanks?
CAIN: (Face buried in the mattress) If you bring a lamb here, I swear the sacrificed one will be you. Put out the torch and go to sleep.
(Abel looks at the sky, undecided. Clasps his hands, bows exaggeratedly towards the bed).
ABEL: With your permission, Lord. I am going to test your invention.
(Abel climbs up clumsily. He is incredibly uncomfortable. He lies rigid like a plank on the extreme edge of the mattress, eyes wide open. Cain, who seems asleep, suddenly gives him a kick or a sharp shove that knocks Abel off the bed).
(QUICK VISUAL TRANSITION - MUSICAL BRIDGE. Abel gets up from the floor with offended dignity, dusts off his tunic, and stands in front of the bed again to start over, looking at the empty spot).
SCENE 2: PRIVATE PROPERTY
CAST:
- CAIN: Actor 1
- ABEL: Actor 2
(Light. Cain is already lying down, comfortably occupying one side, covered up to his nose. Abel enters, ready to sleep. He stands in front of the bed. Looks at the empty side. Looks at Cain's side. Looks at the empty side again).
ABEL: Ahem.
(Cain doesn’t move. Just opens one eye).
CAIN: What?
ABEL: That is my side.
CAIN: Sides? Since when is this a democracy? Did we vote?
ABEL: It has nothing to do with democracy. It has to do with divine order. Yesterday I slept there. That side faces the rising sun. It is the sacred side.
CAIN: Ah. Here we go. Mystical mattress laws.
ABEL: Yes! The shepherd must sleep on the side of the light to watch over the flock at dawn.
CAIN: I am a farmer. My side is whatever side I feel like. And today, I feel like this side. Besides, the mattress already has the shape of my body here. It’s biblical ergonomics.
ABEL: You are a tyrant! I’ll tell Father!
CAIN: God is busy deciding how far north to put the north. Don't bother!
(Abel, offended, looks to the sky seeking divine support. It doesn't come. He snorts. He goes indignantly to the other side of the bed. Refuses to get under the sheets. He lies on top of the blankets, curled up in a ball, shivering conspicuously. Cain snores peacefully. Abel gets fed up with shivering. He jumps to his feet, determined to take his place. At the same time, Cain wakes up like a spring and sits up in bed to prevent it).
(TENSE MUSICAL BRIDGE. The two look into each other's eyes, calculating the jump. Duel tension).
SCENE 3: ESCALATION OF VIOLENCE
CAST:
- CAIN: Actor 1
- ABEL: Actor 2
(Both arrive at the bed simultaneously from opposite sides. They look at each other. Tension. Cain is faster and jumps, occupying the best spot, pushing Abel).
CAIN: Mine!
ABEL: (Trying to climb up) It’s not fair! You always use brute force!
(Abel manages to climb up, but he is wearing dirty sandals. He steps on the sheets).
CAIN: (Horrified) Abel! For the love of myself! What are you doing?
ABEL: Reclaiming my space!
CAIN: The big shoes! Take them off! Were you raised by a herd of mammoths?
ABEL: I was raised by the mother who bore you!
CAIN: Do not mention my mother, and even less her husband. You are a degenerate! Little dead fly… There are rules of hygiene, damn it! You smell of donkey manure!
ABEL: Ah, and how do you know it's donkey…
CAIN: I've seen you with the donkeys, pig.
(Cain pushes Abel. Abel falls. Abel gets up furious and jumps on Cain. They start rolling around the bed fighting like children).
ABEL: This is my side! My father says so!
CAIN: Your Father is an abusive tyrant! Everything is my side!
ABEL: You are a miser! Your offerings are pure parrot droppings…
CAIN: (Stops dead) What did you say?
ABEL: You heard me! God prefers my roast to your barbecue! You offer him nothing but skin and bone.
CAIN: Now you've done it. You crossed the line. Abel, I’m going to kill you! The bed will be all mine!
(Cain grabs the pillow and puts it over Abel's face with all his might. Abel kicks frantically. Muffled screams. The kicking becomes weaker. Finally, Abel goes still. Dramatic silence. Cain lifts the pillow slowly, panting. Looks at his brother's "lifeless" body).
CAIN: (Catching his breath) Well. The show-off finally shut up.
(Cain settles in, kicks Abel's body and stretches his legs occupying the whole bed with satisfaction. Closes his eyes. Silence. Suddenly, Abel lets out a monumental SNORE. Cain opens his eyes, frustrated. Screams silently at the ceiling. He can't take it anymore. Grabs the pillow and gives Abel a real whack to wake him up. Abel wakes up startled and hits him back. They start hitting each other with the pillows as they roll off the bed and exit the stage fighting, taking the rustic cloths with them).
(IMMEDIATE EPIC ROMAN MUSIC. Barely having left, ROMULUS (Actor 1) and REMUS (Actor 2) enter almost instantly from the opposite side, already wearing red Roman cloths, arguing heatedly and carrying the stick to mark the line).
SCENE 4: THE FOUNDATION AND THE SHE-WOLF
CAST:
- ROMULUS: Actor 1
- REMUS: Actor 2
(Light. Actors now wear red cloth as short togas. ROMULUS (Actor 1) and REMUS (Actor 2) are seated in the center. They have a stick and are drawing an imaginary line right in the middle of the sheets, dividing the bed in two).
ROMULUS: Very well. This line is untouched. This is Rome, the future center of the world. From here to there… Barbarians, and from there to here… More barbarians.
REMUS: Excuse me? I don't think the Greeks are barbarians… Mama She-wolf told me to suckle everything that was Greek.
ROMULUS: Mama She-wolf said that because you always wanted more and more wolf milk! I believe Rome needs to suckle nothing Greek. Look, right here on my side, Law, architecture, Julius Caesar will be born...
REMUS: How boring! Look… on this my side gladiators will be born, we will burn Christians. And the Mafia will be born. And pizza with pineapple!
ROMULUS: (Horrified) WHAT Blasphemy! By Jove, you are the embarrassment of the family! Pineapple, how could you think of that! Even Cain had more class than you!
REMUS: Don't compare me! I'm fed up!
ROMULUS: Yes, I think I made a mistake… You would be more like Abel… The second fiddle… Nobody remembers Abel, and nobody remembers Remus… Remus… what is that… An oar?* You are a second fiddle… You should call yourself: "Sequel".
(Remus, defiant, puts one leg over the dividing line. Romulus sits up, furious, grabbing the pillow like a weapon).
REMUS: Oh, is that how it is? Well, I declare that the whole bed is mine! And now what, Mr. "I'm-going-to-found-a-city"?
ROMULUS: This is a declaration of war! I will destroy you, by Cicero, by Caligula, by the Vatican itself!
(Epic pillow fight begins while they shout incoherent phrases in Latin).
REMUS: Quo vadis, moronic big head!
ROMULUS: Veni, vidi, vici, dog, pig, slob… Feel the power of my pillow!
REMUS: Ah, vade retro… Per secula seculorum… Et pluribus unum!
ROMULUS: Yeah, yeah… you don't even know what you're saying, clumsy!
REMUS: Well… well… Okay… you asked for it… I'm going to tell my mother on you. Let's see if you act so tough with her…
ROMULUS: Go on, go find her, And don't come back… (Remus exits very determined to find his mother the She-wolf). Ah, yes… I'm going to tell my mother… Sissy. Sequel.
(Romulus stays in bed with a deranged smile, king of the mountain. Suddenly, ACHILLES (Actor 1, who has stepped out for a second to put on the helmet and leave the red cloth) enters walking with military bearing. Sees the Roman in the bed, looks at him with infinite disdain for being a barbarian and gives him an imperious nod to get out of HIS bed. Romulus, intimidated by the Greek hero, grabs his pillow and runs off).
(GREEK MUSIC. Achilles is left alone for a second looking at the bed with disgust until Patroclus enters).
SCENE 5: HEROES AND SHEETS
CAST:
- ACHILLES: Actor 1
- PATROCLUS: Actor 2
(Light. Actor 1 wears a Greek helmet (Achilles). Actor 2 perhaps a laurel wreath (Patroclus). Achilles looks at the crumpled pillow with disdain).
ACHILLES: I don’t know, Patroclus. This bed does not please me. It smells of… dysfunctional family. I think it better we sleep on the floor, like true warriors.
PATROCLUS: Oh, Achilles, my brave lion. Despising a gift from Olympus? The floor is cold and tomorrow you need to be flexible like a banana and hard like a rock.
(Patroclus sits on the bed and tests it by little jumps).
PATROCLUS: Look how marvelous. Just as I said… It is soft and hard at the same time.
ACHILLES: (Interested) Soft and hard?
PATROCLUS: The mattress, Achilles. But if you want it to be about us, come here. I can be on top for this once.
ACHILLES: (Doubtful) I don’t know… Tomorrow I have to kill Hector, sack Troy, go get Helen... Many things.
PATROCLUS: Nonsense. No one cares about history!
ACHILLES: I care! I don't want to be remembered just as a heel!
PATROCLUS: The night is very short and posterity who knows… Come to this fluffy bed. I promise that with my Spartan arts you won’t feel like killing anyone tomorrow.
ACHILLES: (Slowly takes off his helmet) No one? That cannot be!… Not even a tiny little Trojan?
PATROCLUS: No one. We shall change the history books. Let's make love, not war.
ACHILLES: Hmm. Sounds revolutionary. Alright. But I’m on top. You know… I want to be remembered as a fierce warrior.
PATROCLUS: Ah, well, if it's for that… Come on my Brad Pitt.
(Achilles jumps into bed with a heroic leap. He falls sitting down. Takes off the helmet. Puts his hand under the pillow and takes out glasses and a book that were hidden there. He puts on the glasses, his posture changes instantly, becomes prissy and stiff. He transforms into DR. JEKYLL. Actor 2 (Patroclus) has gotten completely under the sheets during the jump to prepare as Hyde).
(VICTORIAN MYSTERY MUSIC. Jekyll opens the book calmly).
SCENE 6: THE DUAL SCHIZO
CAST:
- DR. JEKYLL: Actor 1
- MR. HYDE: Actor 2
(Light. Actor 1 (JEKYLL) wears glasses and a nightshirt, sitting on the edge reading. Actor 2 (HYDE) emerges from the sheets with disheveled hair and a wild look).
HYDE: I won't allow you to start reading in bed!
JEKYLL: (Without looking at him) Hyde, please. Try to sleep. Tomorrow I have to give a lecture.
HYDE: Why does nobody listen to me!
JEKYLL: (Without looking at him) It's the hand you were dealt… I am Jekyll, the admirable doctor… And you are Hyde, the monster.
HYDE: Yes, I know! Everyone runs when they see me! "Ah, a monster!". Nobody loves me, Jekyll! Not even you invite me to dinner!
JEKYLL: I also have problems, Hyde… People think I am boring. Even I think I am boring… Very boring.
HYDE: (Mocking) Ah… stop saying it… you're going to make me fall asleep if you keep saying it… Look, I know why you are so boring… It’s because you don't have sex. Your libido is a desert of ash.
JEKYLL: (Offended, closing the book) Well! And you must be a hummingbird, right Hyde? You are so ugly that people would never think of you as a sexual entity, you are more like a total madman.
HYDE: (Is silent for a second) Ha, ha… Well… technically…
JEKYLL: Ha! I knew it. You don't have sex either.
HYDE: So look how great we are. Two halves of a man sharing a stinky bed, frustrated and alone.
JEKYLL: It is certainly pathetic.
HYDE: (With a mischievous spark) Hey… Jekyll. Thinking about it…
JEKYLL: What?
HYDE: We are the same. It stays in the family. It’s... like a very advanced form of self-love.
JEKYLL: (Long pause. Takes off glasses. Looks at Hyde) Hyde... are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting? It would be... quite a scientific experiment.
HYDE: Forget science and do what you always do alone, but now with me!
JEKYLL: That sounds disgusting…. All right!
(Hyde grabs Jekyll and drags him under the sheets. Mad laughter. The bed shakes violently. LIGHT CHANGES TO A SOFT PINK. Calm. The two actors appear looking at the ceiling, with a smile of absolute fulfillment).
JEKYLL: (Soft voice) Hyde... I feel... integrated.
HYDE: (Soft voice) Me too, Doctor. And I don't feel like killing anyone.
(They cover their heads with the sheet, laughing like children. The laughter becomes mischievous, conspiratorial. They have transformed into the characters of the next scene: Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn… They peek their heads out mischievously, looking sideways as if watching out for Aunt Polly. They grab a couple of straw hats that were hidden behind the headboard or under the bed and put them on quickly).
(QUICK BANJO/COUNTRY MUSIC. They jump off the bed and run to the stage entrance to re-enter, one of them carrying a sign that says "Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn").
(Brief blackout).
SCENE 7: THE STINKY MISSOURI AND THE HAPPY AWAKENING
CAST:
- TOM SAWYER: Actor 1
- HUCKLEBERRY FINN: Actor 2
(Light. Actors wear battered straw hats, overall bibs, and perhaps suspenders. They are barefoot. TOM (Actor 1) and HUCK (Actor 2) enter running. They fight to get up first).
TOM: I call this side!
HUCK: It's mine! You already lost!
(They manage to climb up, panting).
TOM: (Sniffs the air) Ugh! Hey, Finn. No offense, but you smell of concentrated rabbit urine and dead skin.
HUCK: Says the one smelling like dead skunk.
TOM: We should take off our clothes, we’re going to dirty these sheets.
HUCK: Take off clothes? No way! I don't want misdeeds on my backside.
TOM: I have no intention of touching your dirty backside.
HUCK: Fine. But I’ll sleep with one eye open. And with my pants well tied with rope.
(They turn their backs to each other, very offended, each at one end of the bed. Light changes to night blue. Soft snores are heard. The bodies, asleep, involuntarily move towards the center. HUCK puts an arm over TOM. TOM cuddles up against HUCK. They sigh comfortably in their sleep. Light changes to orange dawn tones. A distant rooster crows. They both wake up at the same time. They are embraced, very comfortable. They open their eyes. Look at each other. They have huge, goofy smiles on their faces).
TOM: (Hoarse sleepy voice, smiling) Ahhh... Morning, Huck.
HUCK: (Smiling the same) Morning, Tom. Well... this bed wasn't bad. Not bad at all.
(They hold the smiling gaze one second longer than socially acceptable. Panic in their eyes. They separate with a jump, almost falling off the bed).
TOM: Yep! Well! It’s daytime! Fishing time! You smell like dead rat!
HUCK: You smell worse! Let’s get out of here! We need to bathe with soap, lots of soap!
(They run off clumsily without looking at each other to the side, taking the hats).
(SUPERHERO MUSIC AT FULL VOLUME. The stage remains empty for just a second. BATMAN (Actor 1 already with mask/cape) enters from the other side, walking very stiffly, scanning the perimeter. He lies down on the bed rigid like a board, crossing his arms over his chest. Seconds later ROBIN enters with new sheets and domino mask).
SCENE 8: SECRET IDENTITIES
CAST:
- BATMAN: Actor 1
- ROBIN: Actor 2
(Light. Actors wear masks or capes. BATMAN (Actor 1) is lying down, rigid like a board, with cape and cowl. ROBIN (Actor 2) enters with a domino mask and brings new sheets).
ROBIN: Holy Egyptian cotton sheets, Batman! Good thing Alfred bought them. The ones that were on smelled like pure Mississippi River. (Tries to change them, Batman doesn't move). Ahem… Batman. Can you get up for a second?
BATMAN: (Very deep, gravelly voice) No. I am meditating.
ROBIN: Hey… Are we really going to sleep in full costume again? It’s super uncomfortable. The lycra rides up… you know…
BATMAN: Crime doesn't sleep, Robin. Neither do we.
ROBIN: But Batman, you are the bat. You should sleep hanging in the closet. I am the robin, I should be in the nest. I mean, in the bed.
BATMAN: It is a tactical error to sleep without the uniform. What if the Penguin shows up, or the Joker?
ROBIN: I swear, sometimes I think you like using the mask in bed.
BATMAN: (Turns head slowly towards Robin) Careful, Boy Wonder.
ROBIN: Just saying it’s weird. Goodnight, Bruce.
BATMAN: SHHH! Don't say that name!
ROBIN: There's nobody here, Batman. Just us and the bedbugs of this old stinky mattress.
BATMAN: I… am Batman.
ROBIN: Yeah, okay, okay. And I’m hot. Look, I'm going to change the sheet with you on it if I have to. Move your fat ass!
BATMAN: Fat! You must be an idiot!
(Robin pulls hard on the old sheet that is under Batman. Batman rolls rigidly off the bed like a log and falls to the floor (or rolls off stage). Robin falls backwards with the force of the pull, taking the old sheet with him. They both exit clumsily, tangled).
(MOBILE PHONE NOTIFICATION SOUND. MARK (Actor 1) and DAVID (Actor 2) enter immediately in pajamas, carrying a modern duvet, already looking at their phones or muttering curses).
SCENE 9: THE MODERN COUPLE AND THE BIBLICAL STAIN
CAST:
- MARK: Actor 1 (Antonio equivalent)
- DAVID: Actor 2 (Alfredo equivalent)
(Light. Now there is a modern duvet on the bed. MARK (Actor 1) and DAVID (Actor 2) in pajamas, each with a phone, face lit by the screen).
MARK: (Without looking) Your turn to turn off the light.
DAVID: (Without looking) I turned it off yesterday. Today it’s my turn to pretend to be asleep while you snore.
MARK: I don't snore, have you seen me snore? I don't snore.
DAVID: I don't know, sometimes I would like to sleep soundly and forget that relationships are supposedly the best thing.
MARK: Well, okay, I suppose I do snore, but I don't realize it… I couldn't because I am asleep… When I snore… Forgive me, if you want I'll let you sleep soundly and go to a hotel…
(David sighs, puts down the phone. Turns towards Mark. Mark also puts his down).
DAVID: I am the one who has to apologize. I'm stressed. Come here.
(Mark opens his arms. David approaches for a hug).
MARK: Seriously? Truce with hugs and everything else?
DAVID: Yes, dummy. Sometimes I forget that I love you, even though you snore like a bear… and we are not at war, we don't need a truce.
(They hug. Romantic tension. They are going to kiss. Just before, Mark looks down at the sheet. Look of disgust).
MARK: What on earth! What is this?
DAVID: (Frustrated) What?! We were having a moment!
MARK: (Points to a stain on the sheet) Look at this. It’s a stain.
DAVID: Must be coffee.
MARK: (Smells the sheet) Well it doesn't smell like coffee. It smells... like... cheese?
DAVID: Mark, please...
MARK: I swear. It looks like a stain of... sour milk.
DAVID: What are you talking about?! I think you purposely sabotage the few moments we have! The good ones, because the bad ones really do resemble a war.
MARK: It is a question of hygiene, I am not saying that the stain was left… by you…!
DAVID: It’s over! I have to get up at five in the morning tomorrow…
MARK: Well, go to sleep. I hope I don't snore like a bear… Soon you will be able to sleep soundly, don't you worry…
(David turns around furiously, turning his back and taking the entire duvet. Mark throws himself on his back, frustrated, covering his face with the pillow).
(SLOW LIGHT CHANGE TO DAWN. Mark falls asleep in that uncomfortable position. A few seconds of silence pass to mark the passage of the night. The morning light hits his face and he wakes up, alone and uncovered).
FINAL SCENE: THE GOODBYE AND THE BAT
CAST:
- MARK: Actor 1
- VOICE/HAND OF BATMAN: Actor 2
(Dim morning light. The bed is a bit emptier. MARK wakes up alone. Feels the other side. Empty. Finds a note and a small stuffed dog, Firulais. Reads the note).
MARK: "I've gone. I leave the bed for you alone, for now. P.S.: I leave you Firulais".
(Mark sighs. Looks tenderly at the stuffed toy).
MARK: Hello, Firulais. Well… In the end it is a kind gesture. For now it's just us and this mattress.
(Mark settles in the center of the bed, hugging the stuffed toy, looking at the ceiling, reflective).
MARK: It is very complicated this thing about putting up with the other… Everyone should have their own bed and share it and enjoy it, but only once in a while…. Only once in a while.
(Mark starts to fall asleep, eyes closing, voice trailing off).
MARK: And... and...
(Suddenly, from under the bed, a deep, unmistakable voice is heard).
VOICE FROM BELOW (Actor 2): Hey, you, buddy, I think you're right.
(Mark opens his eyes wide, terrified. He freezes staring straight ahead. Tense silence. Slowly, from the side of the bed, a hand with a black superhero glove (Actor 2's hand) peaks out and grabs the edge of the mattress. The deep, guttural voice is heard again).
VOICE FROM BELOW (Actor 2): I am Batman!
(Mark remains with eyes wide open, not breathing).
(FINAL QUICK CURTAIN)
