"A Ghost Tale"
AN INTERLUDE OF HIDDEN VICES AND THE HAUNTED HOUSE
By GAVARRE BENJAMIN
© INDAUTOR
Contact: bengavarre@gmail.com
gavarreunam@gmail.com
Introduction: The Purgatory of Appearances
Welcome to this Interlude of Hidden Vices, a humorous piece written in the tradition of the Spanish Golden Age. Here, laughter is born from human vanity, and death is nothing more than the grand opening of an eternal revelry.
The Plot: "For the Reader in a Hurry"
The story is set in an ancient manor recently purchased by Sir Pantaleon (a nabob who returned wealthy from the Americas) and his fastidious wife, Lady Gliceria. Both are obsessed with cleanliness, nobility, and "erasing the past" of the house—which, in its glory days, served as a most luxurious bordello.
The conflict is twofold:
1. The Old vs. The New: The resident ghosts (Mistress Polyxena, the former madam, and the gallant Lorenzo) are quite unwilling to let these nouveaux riches destroy the spirit of the place with their tiresome "modernities."
2. The Great Secret: Pantaleon and Gliceria have no idea they are dead. They perished from a heatstroke in a hot tub, but their egos are so vast that they continue to act as if they were the living masters of the estate.
Character Guide (Who’s Who?)
Character | Role | Primary Sin |
Sir Pantaleon | The new owner. | The pride of believing gold buys gentility. |
The affected wife. | Disgust toward everything she deems "vulgar." | |
Mistress Polyxena | Ghost & former Madame. | Pride in her merry and sinful past. |
Lorenzo | Ghost & dashing gardener. | Impatience with the stupidity of the living. |
Mr. Scrivener | The corrupt lawyer. | The greed of wanting to charge a fee even to specters. |
Widow Cataleja | The prospective buyer. | Excessive devotion to her lapdog, Boris. |
What the reader should know...
In this play, humor is not shouted; it glides. The moments of slapstick—unseen shoves, invisible hair-pulls, and the buzzing of ghostly gnats—serve as the "wake-up call" for our protagonists to finally see through their own delusions.
In the end, the play leaves us with a truly Baroque lesson: Death makes us all equal. But if we must spend eternity as ghosts, we might as well do it with a fine glass of wine in hand, surrounded by friends—even if they are merely "hidden vices" from the past.
Dramatis Personae
- SIR PANTALEON: A wealthy merchant returned from the Indies, with more gold than sense.
- LADY GLICERIA: His wife, a woman of affected airs and delicate constitution.
- MISTRESS POLYXENA: The ghost of the house's former Madam.
- LORENZO: The ghost of a strapping gardener and former lover.
- MR. SCRIVENER: A lawyer, more fond of fees than justice.
- WIDOW CATALEJA: A wealthy widow, devoted to her lapdog, Boris.
SCENE ONE
(The scene represents the parlor of an old house, stripped of its tapestries by the "modern" taste of the new owners. Enter SIR PANTALEON with a parchment.)
SIR PANTALEON: Heaven defend me from the villainy of this neighborhood! They say if I buy a house of lineage I am a tyrant, when all I do is cleanse the filth from these corners. If I have doubloons, I shall make a palace of this bordello, and a fig for the neighbors' pedigree!
MISTRESS POLYXENA: (Sitting in a wooden chair, invisible to him) Oh, Sir Pantaleon, money does not buy gentility! Counts and rogues passed through this house, and my wenches served them all without asking if the gold came from the Indies or highway robbery.
SIR PANTALEON: (Sniffing) What does this room smell of? I’d swear it’s violets and a woman of ill repute...
LADY GLICERIA: (Enters with a plate of raw vegetables) Do not say that, husband, for the scent of violets is for common folk. I only permit the smell of pure air and distilled rosewater. (Looks at her plate). And speak not to me of meats, for to be noble one must be ethereal and live on the contemplation of a radish.
MISTRESS POLYXENA: (Snatches the invisible radish from her) Poppycock! Pheasants were eaten here and sherry drunk, before you two arrived with your monk’s diet and Lenten faces.
SIR PANTALEON: (Uneasy) Did you hear that, Gliceria? Like a rustling of skirts... I feel a thousand villainous eyes watching me through the cracks. I shall build a wall of stone and mortar to cover the façade, so as not to see the rabble that envies us.
LADY GLICERIA: 'Tis true! Since we arrived, I have had no appetite for dining nor sleep to overcome me. It is this house, holding us spellbound.
(Enter LORENZO, the ghost gardener, with a hoe on his shoulder and his chest bare.)
LORENZO: (To Polyxena) By the body of Bacchus, Polyxena! Are these two not gone yet? I thought the heatstroke they got in the hot tub would have sent them straight to Purgatory.
SIR PANTALEON: (Pointing at nothing) There! I feel a grave-like cold and a smell of damp earth! Scrivener! Call the Scrivener!
(Enter the SCRIVENER with WIDOW CATALEJA, carrying a small, pampered dog named Boris.)
SCRIVENER: Calm yourself, Sir Pantaleon! I bring Widow Cataleja, interested in your property. She says the house has "spirits," and she, being a widow of three husbands, knows much of dealings with the beyond.
WIDOW CATALEJA: (Crossing herself) Mercy a thousand times! Boris, my little dog, is bristling like a cat before a mouse. There are shadows here, Scrivener, shadows in silk breeches.
MISTRESS POLYXENA: (To Lorenzo) At them, Lorenzo! Let us make these good folk lose their composure!
(LORENZO begins to buzz like a gadfly in the SCRIVENER's ear: "Bzzzz! Bzzzz!". LADY GLICERIA begins to feel her hair buns being pulled.)
SCRIVENER: (Swatting at himself) I vow, there are mosquitoes the size of sparrows!
WIDOW CATALEJA: And my calves are itching! Help, the goblins are flaying me!
SIR PANTALEON: (Looking at his hands) One moment! Scrivener... why are my hands transparent like Venetian glass? Why do I not feel the weight of my own doubloons?
LORENZO: (Laughing heartily) Because you are dead, Sir Pantaleon! You were fried in the steam bath out of pure neglect from your avarice. Look at your own funeral through the window; the monks are already passing by singing the requiem!
SIR PANTALEON AND LADY GLICERIA: (In unison) Good heavens! We are specters and had not realized it for thinking about the façade!
SCRIVENER: (Terrified upon seeing them appear as shadows) Ghosts! Debtor ghosts! Let us flee, Widow Cataleja; there is no commission to be had here!
MISTRESS POLYXENA: Not so fast! Before you go, let us do the dance of the "Omino Omini," to see if Saint Peter opens the door out of pity.
(They all join hands and turn in a frantic and ridiculous dance.)
ALL:
Omino, omini, let the house be closed!
Let the living be scared and the dead enclosed!
If there’s no visa to heaven for lack of gold,
We all stay in this cheap little hold!
(A sound of a gunpowder explosion is heard and it goes dark. When the light returns, the SCRIVENER and CATALEJA enter, now dressed as ghosts, with disheveled hair.)
SCRIVENER: (Coolly) Well... since there is no heaven for those of us who overcharge, what time are you serving that sherry, Mistress Polyxena?
WIDOW CATALEJA: And let it be soon, for Boris wants to bark at eternity!
MISTRESS POLYXENA: (Pouring invisible drinks) Cheers, good sirs! For in this house, he who enters rich, leaves dead... but always leaves well-drunk!
(They all dance a lively jig as the curtain falls.)
FINIS.
Glossary of Terms (A Guide for the English Reader)
- Bordello: A house of ill repute. In the original Spanish, lupanar. It signifies the house's colorful and "hidden" history.
- By my troth / I vow: Common oaths of the era used to express indignation or emphasis. Equivalent to the Spanish voto a tal.
- Doubloon: An old Spanish gold coin. It symbolizes the nouveau riche wealth that Pantaleon flaunts.
- Finis: The traditional Latin conclusion for plays, meaning "The End."
- Gentry / Gentility: The status of belonging to the polite, upper-class society. The "hidalguía" that Pantaleon tries so desperately to mimic.
- Jig: A lively, rhythmic dance. In the Spanish tradition, the jácara served as the musical and dance-filled finale.
- Nabob: A term often used for a merchant who returned from the colonies (the Indies) with great wealth and flashy manners. The English equivalent of the indiano.
- Poppycock: Nonsense. Used here to dismiss Gliceria’s pretentious dietary habits.
- Scrivener: A professional scribe or notary. Often depicted in comedy as a greedy figure obsessed with legal technicalities and fees.
- To Dine: To eat the main meal of the day. Equivalent to the Spanish yantar.
