GAVARRE BENJAMIN: MONDAYS ARE CANCELED.

 

MONDAYS ARE CANCELED

AUTHOR: BENJAMIN GAVARRE

In a world where "Reality 4.0" threatens to collapse and powdered water is the daily special, this play immerses us in the most delirious bar at the end of time. "Mondays Are Canceled" is a sharp satire that uses the theater of the absurd to reflect on our dependence on social media, the voracity of hyper-capitalism, and the eternal repetition of human errors.

 

Through a robot bartender with an identity crisis, capricious millionaires, hiding pop stars, and a supreme leader who controls destiny with a TV remote, the text invites us to laugh at the impending catastrophe. Driven by fast-paced dialogue and highly improbable situations, everything culminates brilliantly to the rhythm of the tango "Cambalache." It serves as a hilarious reminder that, no matter how many "Total Happiness" patches they try to install, the world was and will always be a mess... but at least we can dance through it together.

 

 

Dramatis personae

• SPARKY: The robot bartender who always says yes to everything, is oddly optimistic, and has an obsession with offering chocolate or weird items.
• LENNY: The know-it-all regular at the bar. Talks fast, tells bad jokes, and loves to annoy everyone else.
• STERLING: A guy who thinks he owns the universe, wears ridiculous clothes, and exaggerates everything he does.
• THE BOSS: (Keeping a low profile for now).
• BELLA BELLA: The stunningly beautiful girl, highly intelligent, who knows how to make money off anyone just by talking to them. (Speaks with a high-society diva attitude).
• JET: A famous, over-the-top singer who faked his retirement to live on an island. Wears shiny clothes and can't stop dancing.

Synopsis and Setting

A highly modern bar with a screen in the background displaying absurd news. Sparky sweeps the floor to the rhythm of upbeat music. Lenny is drinking a fluorescent green soda.

"BY OFFICIAL DECREE, MONDAYS ARE CANCELED!"

LENNY: (Laughing) Perfect! If they get rid of Mondays, what are people going to complain about on social media now? Sparky, hit me with something strong!

SPARKY: A glass of hot chocolate with chocolate chips and chocolate aroma?

(Enter BELLA BELLA, walking as if she were on a fashion runway).

BELLA BELLA: Like, totally great news. I literally never do anything on Mondays anyway. Now I'll have more time to brush my hamster. By the way, my hamster was named Lenny, just like you.

LENNY: Hey, wait a minute! You can't name a rodent after me. I demand an apology!

BELLA BELLA: Listen up, talking to me costs ten dollars a minute. You already owe me three dollars and fifty cents. Pay up!

SPARKY: (Sweeping Bella Bella's shoes) Confirmed. According to my robot calculations, love is expensive. Warning: I am a machine and prone to errors; sometimes I confuse a hug with a credit card swipe.

LENNY: What a scam! I didn't sign any contract. I'm going to sue you for charging me before I even finish talking.

(BELLA BELLA pulls out a toy gun and fires. A little sign pops out that says "BANG!". LENNY throws himself to the ground dramatically, stays stiff for a second, and then jumps up laughing. All three laugh like crazy).

(Enter STERLING wearing a giant cap that says "I AM THE BEST". He tries to sit elegantly on a swivel stool, but the stool starts spinning rapidly while he talks).

STERLING: Make way for the king of business! I bought this bar, I bought the street, and I bought that robot. So everything you see is mine, and you, dear customer, are included in the combo! (The giant cap falls over his eyes; he keeps talking blindly and waving his arms).

LENNY: Careful, Sterling. I don't have a price tag. I'm allergic to work and an expert at doing absolutely nothing.

STERLING: (Smacks the cap back into place) You look like you eat vegetables, and your haircut is awful! Fired! Sparky, get me a drink that tastes like victory. Did you see the news? I bought a floating island. It's beautiful!

SPARKY: (Serves him a glass of glowing orange liquid) Would you like some chocolate, Mr. Sterling? We have milk chocolate, almond milk, unicorn milk, and terrified coconut milk...

STERLING: (Still spinning on the stool, dizzy) Yeah, yeah... Give me whatever. My floating island will have the best mini-golf courses in the world. I'll bring penguins from Antarctica to be the waiters. It'll be a brilliant business, the best in the world!

"STERLING BUYS AN ISLAND AND PROMISES FRENCH PENGUIN WAITERS DRESSED AS PENGUINS"

LENNY: Look at that! The world is turning into a very strange amusement park.

(Enter JET, doing exaggerated dance moves, wearing dark sunglasses and shiny gloves).

JET: Ow! Hee-hee! There's nothing better than being famous and living in hiding. Nobody chases me for autographs anymore. (Suffers a funny tic, accidentally moonwalks backward, and bumps into Sterling).

SPARKY: (Sweeping up the glitter Jet is dropping) Autographs? We're all out, but we have powdered milk, condensed milk, and powdered water to mix with powdered air.

JET: Give me a black soda. Black goes with my shoes. I'm here to complain because Sterling wants to use French penguins on his island. French penguins should be free, they already suffer from personality disorders!

LENNY: Not all of them, Jet, but you might... you shine so bright it makes me want to put a lampshade over you.

JET: (Hiccups) Don't you dare! Ow!

STERLING: (The stool stops dead, and he almost falls on his head) Jet, you're late! I already signed the papers with my beautiful, gigantic signature. You don't get a say here, you just have catchy songs. If you keep bothering me with your penguin defense, I'll kidnap you to be the DJ for my mini-golf course.

JET: I will go of my own free will... I will go dancing... Hee-hee! I'll be the DJ, and my music will make everyone dance until their pants fall off!

LENNY: Crazy! Sparky, pour them something. I don't want to see anyone without pants.

SPARKY: (Hands a totally full glass to Jet, who has to balance it so it doesn't spill). Here is your ice-cold soda. We also have chocolate in case you change your mind... White, dark, transparent, or invisible chocolate...

JET: You confused me... Just give me a piece of cheese, the kind with holes in it.

SPARKY: Holes are the best option, you are absolutely right! Here you go: a glass of chocolate milk. Without holes.

"BOMBSHELL NEWS! THE SUPREME BOSS MARRIED BELLA BELLA IN A SUPER LUXURIOUS WEDDING"

(Enter THE BOSS arm in arm with BELLA BELLA. The Boss takes out a TV remote, presses a button, and at the same time, SPARKY and STERLING do a super exaggerated military salute).

STERLING: Boss! It's a miracle you've left your secret office. I saw you married Bella Bella thanks to your billionaire inventor friend.

THE BOSS: That inventor is just jealous of me because his rockets deflate and fall into the sea. Besides, I've become a model citizen now, and I no longer pull heavy pranks thanks to the love of my Bella. I am very, very loving. I'm the best lover. (He taps Jet on the shoulder and gets his hand covered in shiny glitter; he wipes it off on STERLING'S jacket).

LENNY: I thought you were going to say "thanks to Bella Bella's massive bank account."

THE BOSS: Watch it, annoying customer. I've sent toy drones to throw pies for much less than that.

LENNY: So you're the one pulling the strings, Boss. Send the drone, but the pie will probably explode in your own smug face. Brrrr. Donkey.

THE BOSS: This guy is so witty I actually like him. Donkey to you, you're the DONKEY.

"TOTAL CHAOS! THE BOSS TOOK A VACATION AND LEFT THE BUSINESS TO THREE MILLIONAIRES WHO HATE EACH OTHER"

(SPARKY the robot starts malfunctioning. His arm with the broom moves at the speed of an industrial fan, raising a cloud of smoke).

SPARKY: Unicorn milk... powdered water... Powdered water doesn't exist! Everything is a hologram... System error! Initiating emergency menu: House Specials.

THE BOSS: Sparky, make me a lemon soda!

SPARKY: (Ignoring him completely) Coming right up, one mysterious lemonade! Or a pineapple smoothie full of hidden taxes!

LENNY: Oof, Boss, looks like your robot is dropping hints.

SPARKY: Strawberry milkshake with secret contracts and extra charges no one understands.

STERLING: Turn off that talking blender! My businesses are 100% illegal!

LENNY: Il-legal, right? Nobody said otherwise, Sterling, you just told on yourself.

SPARKY: Cold milkshake with a little beach umbrella, perfect for hiding your savings. Beep, beep! We also have orange juice without the orange, served in a white cup of black coffee.

BELLA BELLA: (Confused) I just wanted a slushie with gummy bears, but, like, without being totally ripped off.

THE BOSS: (Pressing the remote control like crazy, but only managing to make Jet spin like a top). Security code! Reboot the robot right now!

SPARKY: (Recovering his friendly smile, but with a tic in his eye) Beep, boop! Hello, I'm Sparky, your trusted bartender... Who wants chocolate? We have goat's milk chocolate, coconut milk, Coconut in the milk or sour, sour, sour milk... Error! Error!

(SPARKY drops a glass and it breaks into a thousand pieces. The sound of breaking glass loops through the bar's speakers: CRASH-CRASH-CRASH!)

LENNY: This bartender isn't getting a tip, but I'll admit the show is great. Now I really crave a cold lemonade.

"MAXIMUM ALERT! HUGE LINES WORLDWIDE BECAUSE THE INTERNET WENT DOWN AND THEY RAN OUT OF BURGERS AND FRIES"

THE BOSS: This is very bad. I put down the remote for a few hours and look at the disaster. I'll have to invent a new viral dance to distract everyone. Call my Korean friend. (He trips over Sparky's broom and falls into STERLING'S arms in a ridiculous dance pose).

STERLING: This is a setup to make me look bad! It's a plot by my rivals!

THE BOSS: You make yourself look bad, Sterling, you don't need anyone's help.

SPARKY: It's being reported that social networks and video games have disappeared. They also canceled TikTok and parents don't know what to do with their kids who are just spinning and spinning... Anyone want chocolate? Boredom is unforgiving!

LENNY: My dear Sparky... your circuits are completely fried.

BELLA BELLA: Someone should seriously unplug him.

"THE WORLD IS LEFT WITHOUT SOCIAL MEDIA. FRENCH PENGUINS HAVE DECIDED TO GO TO THERAPY"

BELLA BELLA: Told you, honeybunch. If you don't pull the strings, everything becomes a total mess. The world is going to be left without TikTok, without desserts, without French waiters, and without fun.

LENNY: (Loudly slurping with an infinite straw) You forgot to say without MONDAYS, queen. That's the real danger. Next thing you know, Tuesdays will be over... By the way, do we still have snacks? Because Tuesdays, frankly...

SPARKY: (Struggling with his wires, starts handing out empty cups at top speed, slapping the bar as if dealing poker cards) Chocolate for everyone! A storm of boredom is approaching. The outside world has collapsed. Everything's gone to the dogs! Care for a hot chocolate?

(PITCH BLACK. Only JET can be heard singing a very sweet pop ballad while snapping his fingers and going Hee-hee. The screen glows in the dark).

"THIS IS THE END! ALL COFFEE SHOPS AND PIZZA STANDS HAVE EXPLODED. ONLY STALE HOT DOGS REMAIN"

LENNY: (In the shadows) Ha, ha... Did the screen just try to make a joke?

STERLING: It must be a hack by the billionaire inventor. Sounds like his kind of humor. I don't know why he has a grudge against street food. I think some hot dogs gave him diarrhea, poor guy.

THE BOSS: This wasn't planned. I'll have to launch a contagious laughter computer virus... Normal distractions aren't working anymore.

BELLA BELLA: Or you could simply restart the system.

THE BOSS: Or I could simply restart the system. You're a genius, BELLA BELLA! (Excited) Sparky, send the order to the central server! Factory reset and apply the Total Happiness patch! Urgent!

(An imposing computer voice is heard from the speakers): REBOOTING SYSTEM! APPLYING TOTAL HAPPINESS PATCH!

(Suspenseful music and disco lights. All the characters on stage, except LENNY, start vibrating intensely, imitating the robot's malfunction. It looks like a very weird collective dance).

(Sudden silence. Very bright white light).

STERLING: I insist this is a plot... I knew it all along... Everyone's jealous of me... They are very mean... mmm... mmm... Hey! Why is my memory failing and I'm talking like a baby? Blah, blah, blah...

LENNY: (Super calm, looking at his empty glass). Wow, I ordered a lemonade and look what I got... chocolate milk. Thanks, Sparky.

(Suddenly, a deafening thunderclap. The lights flash red. An alarm says): "TOTAL COLLAPSE OF REALITY 4.0 SYSTEM". (The customers stand up and spin in circles confused, some hug each other. LENNY is the only one who remains seated, enjoying his drink).

(Dramatic pause).

SPARKY: (With a very high and happy voice) Dear customers: update successfully completed. "Artificial Peace" mode has been installed. The world is pretty again. All the continents have merged into one giant island called HEART HEART. Billionaires will donate their toys to children and the Supreme Boss remains in hiding, though they say he fixed everything.

(Normal lights return).

LENNY: Bartender, give me a juice...

SPARKY: (His head falls to one side, hanging by a wire) Chocolate for everyone... with goat... milk... Oh, my battery is dying... It was a pleasure... (Freezes completely with one hand raised).

LENNY: Just what we needed... Terrible service! I'll have to serve myself. And they don't even have juice... (Jumps over the bar with great agility and pours himself a drink). Hey, Sterling, can you talk properly now?

STERLING: (Babbling) ... Yeaa… I now identify as a polar bear... I'm going to buy ice factories. All of them. I'm the best at buying. (Gets on all fours and starts sniffing the floor).

THE BOSS: (Pouring himself a glass elegantly, ignoring Sterling) See? A perfect plan. Change everything so everything stays the same. I am the greatest stage director in the universe.

JET: Hey guys, want me to sing a pretty song about world peace?

ALL: NO!

BELLA BELLA: Let's sing something fun! The crazy robot song!

ALL: NO!

STERLING: Let's sing the polar bear dance...

LENNY: (From the bar, starts making a beat by tapping a bottle) Heart heart… Heart heart…. Heaaaart Heaaaaart

THE BOSS: Stop, please, drain him, shrink him, whatever... Don't sing, Lenny. The world is complicated enough, but if you sing... That's...

LENNY: The world has always been a mess, but it always knows how to reboot.

SPARKY: (Powers on for a second, his eyes glow) Reboot... Activate... Year 3000... Lenny is our new leader! He has the best jokes. Anyone want a soda?

BELLA BELLA: Lenny our leader? Yeah, right. Lenny, you can sing Heart Heart... but give it that Cabaret style... (Looks at Lenny, who winks at her while pulling a wad of fake toy cash from the register).

LENNY: (Singing with a huge smile) The world is crazy, crazy, I know it! Sing with me!

(They all grab each other's shoulders and start dancing in a kickline. STERLING walks like a bear, JET does breakdance moves, BELLA BELLA dances with sensual flair, and THE BOSS conducts the line with his remote control).

ALL: (Singing in chorus while the screen shows cartoon fireworks)

The world is a dumpster fire, oh yes it is,
Since the dawn of time, it's been in a tiz!

(SPARKY shoots a blast of colorful confetti over everyone while the characters freeze in a super fun, theatrical final pose).

LENNY: (Sings Heart Heart) Heart Heaaart... (And everyone slaps the back of his head to shut him up)

ALL: Shut up, buddy, shut up, please shut up, man... Shut up once and for all... SHUT UP.

LENNY finally quiets down and everyone resumes the upbeat cabaret song:

The world is a dumpster fire, oh yes it is,
Since the dawn of time, it's been in a tiz!
We've got billionaires, phonies, and guys in a suit,
With a lot of bad ideas and no parachute!
From the year nineteen-six to the year two-thousand-ten,
We make the same stupid mistakes again and again.
But if the whole century is falling apart,
At least we can sing with a song in our heart!
We're rolling in mud and we're totally fried,
But what a hilarious, wonderful ride!

🎬 CURTAIN AND BLACKOUT!