THE WHITE CHILI HOT BRIEFCASE
A Short Comedy
by GAVARRE BENJAMIN
® Benjamín Gavarre Silva
Contact: gavarreunam@gmail.com
OPENING MONOLOGUE: "BASKET DIPLOMACY"
DON FILO: Tacos, tacos! Get ‘em while they’re hot! You see me here in the Big Apple, but I wasn’t always a courier. Back in the day, I was a key player in the political machine. One time—you won’t believe it—Barack himself showed up. Yes, Obama. He tells me: "My friend Filo, I heard your tacos are the real deal". I said: "Sure, Mr. President. Just let yourself be loved". But he asked for them without chili! Too sensitive. He’s not afraid of the nuclear button, but he’s terrified of a serrano Chili pepper. That’s why I’m telling you... the orange-haired guy doesn't scare me. A Mexican is like a basket taco: they pile us up, they lock us in, they wrap us in cloth so we sweat... but when they open the lid, we are hotter and tastier than ever! Tacos!
SCENE 1: THE DANGEROUS EXCHANGE
EVER: (Nervous) NINA! Quick! Take the briefcase to GOMER. But be careful, don't let anyone "handle" it!
NINA: Damn, EVER! What’s in here? It's heavy!
EVER: It’s something that goes in hard and comes out soft, NINA! (Double entendre). I’m talking about honest hard work! Just go.
NINA: If it’s a bomb, I’m not touching it. With this government, if I smell gunpowder, I’m on a flight back to Berlin.
MAMA GARZA: (Enters with a mop) That thing is too shiny! It must be "the papers!" Green Cards for everyone! Let me see my photo with a filter!
(GASTON approaches. Everyone freezes).
DON FILO: It’s the Cooler ICE! Run! This gringo is gonna deport us to Tanzania!
EVER: (Resilient) Hell no! If they kick us out the door, we come back through the window. Besides, that orange guy in the White House should start by deporting his East European wife—starting with Melania! Send her back to Slovenia with all her bags!
SCENE 2: THE CHASE (SLAPSTICK)
(NINA rides off. Hits the corn stand. A corn cob hits BRYAN in the face).
BRYAN SMITH: Oh my God! My designer shirt! It’s covered in mayo and chili! You bunch of nacos!
EVER: Your grandpa’s name was Perez, and now you think you’re a Smith? As if it were a big deal, ha! Please!
(MAMA GARZA slips on a banana peel, flies through the air, and lands in a trash can that rolls into GASTON).
GASTON: Are you okay, ma'am? Take it easy; gravity is a beast.
MAMA GARZA: (Terrified) Oh, Mr. Senator! I didn't do anything! The tacos were beef, not horse meat, I swear!
SCENE 3: THE MOMENT OF TRUTH Location: In front of the laundromat. Gomer goes down with a wooden roller, ready to break someone's tangerine. Everyone surrounds Nina and the briefcase.
GOMER: Everardo! Tell me the truth or I'll delete you from my life! What's there? Is it the cash to go to Cancun or is it grandma's jewelry?
DON FILO: Open it! We want to see visas with the bald eagle! Or of losing some gringo passports that say we were born in Texas!
EVER: (Sighing) Okay... but do not laugh, for he who laughs at what he does not know, is left with doubt in his crop. It's my "back up" for the future.
Action: Ever opens the briefcase. Gaston approaches. Everyone closes their eyes waiting for the sound of handcuffs. Gaston puts his hand in the sack... and pulls out a bottle of black-labeled Valentina sauce.
GASTÓN: This is my moral ID. I am from Guadalajara at heart and a human rights lawyer. I come to help you because this "Old Orange Dude" doesn't know who he's messing with. But let's see... what do we have here?
(He looks at the briefcase).
Contents: An old laptop with "Hello Kitty" stickers and a mountain of Hallmark cards with glitter. Gastón takes the first one.
GASTON: (Takes a card that rings with "But I remember you", maybe with Christina Aguilera Voice) This one says: "Gomer, I love you more than in my eyes, because with them I see you and with you... I am dizzy with desire."
EVERYONE: Wow!
DON FILO: That rhyme or the Selena, gee!
NINA: How cute the wey!
EVER: (Red as a tomato) Now, now! If we are separated, the laptop is for you to study English and make video calls. And the cards... well, he who is parrot wherever he wants is green, and he who is in love wherever he wants is... Well, me.
GOMER: (Laughing and crying) Oh, EVER! You're fine love struck. Did you spend all your cash on this cheesiness?
GASTON: (Hugging EVER) What a detail! That is having balls and not pieces. Up with kitsch when it's real!
MAMA GARZA: (Zapping EVER) Oh, my son! The scare is over! Racism is like the flu, it goes away by putting up with it and drinking broth.
BRAYAN SMITH: So it wasn't a bomb? There was no Green Card, no money... What a loser.
NINA: Shut up, BRAYAN! EVER has more heart than your fake "cool" juice.
EVER: Enough! We have to resist. The "Orange Güerito" wants to see us fight. But he doesn't know that the Mexican is like cilantro: even if they cut it, it comes out again. And if he puts up the wall, we put the flea market on top of him! And we sell the tacos to the guards!
MAMA GARZA: Let's get tacos! Our Güerito is paying!
(They walk off).
GASTON: Do you know how politicians are like diapers?
BRYAN SMITH: They’re both full of crap, duh...
GASTON: You knew that one... your turn, pocho, tell one...
BRYAN SMITH: You know what a Mexican does to get to New York...
NINA: (Raising her fist) Don't you dare!
BRYAN SMITH: Nothing! I didn't mean he "swims," I just meant I said "nothing!"(Mama Garza hits him) Ayyy, the evil flip-flop!
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