DEATH IN NEW ORLEANS.

   

 

Death in New Orleans

(A Spectral Farce in One Act)

® BENJAMIN GAVARRE SILVA

bengavarre@gmail.com

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Characters

• BOBBY (45): A loud, crude, new-money Texas real estate shark. Gets horny out of nowhere the second he thinks about making millions by tearing down historic properties.
• PEGGY (65): His wife. A supreme penny-pincher from the Houston country club scene. So much plastic surgery she can't smile without mechanically lifting her entire left arm toward the ceiling.
• MADAME CLOTILDE (Shadow): An elegant, 19th-century Creole socialite. Refined, bilingual (French/English), but uses filthy language when she’s angry. Weapon of choice: a spectral atomizer.
• BEAU (Shadow): A dashing, rugged smuggler from the Bayou. Handsome, muscular, possesses a freezing breath, and loves instigating chaos.
• MISS HATTIE (85): A know-it-all Southern belle equipped with an aluminum walker. Grumpy, obsessed with mysticism, and determined to squat in the mansion by "spiritual right."
• SARAH (45): Her long-suffering African-American assistant. Obedient on the outside, but harbors some very naughty thoughts about the men in the afterlife.
• CHAD & CHLOE (The Hipsters): A modern, insufferably optimistic couple from Brooklyn. Obsessed with minimalism, artisanal pour-over coffee, and their dogs.
• DEATH (The Baron of Shadows): An imposing, robed specter with a scythe, acting like a lazy, highly expressive mime. Addicted to Southern sweet tea and guttural groans.

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Setting

The luxurious yet decaying parlor of an Antebellum-style mansion in the French Quarter of New Orleans. A grand piano sits covered in a white sheet, alongside an elegant mahogany screen and a desk holding an antique bottle of Louisiana Bourbon. In the background, the buzz of swamp crickets and the distant echo of a jazz trumpet can be heard.

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ACT ONE

SCENE 1: TRADITION INSULTED

(As the curtain rises, BOBBY and PEGGY inspect the walls greedily. Sitting on the grand piano are MADAME CLOTILDE and BEAU, invisible to the living. The Southern heat and humidity are suffocating.)

BOBBY (Rubbing his hands together, breathing heavily, loosening his tie) Peggy, baby! Being in this palace we bought for pennies at the courthouse foreclosure... I don't know what this heat is doing to me, but it's getting my Texas hormones raging! Kiss me, my little silicone doll, I’m raring to go like a rodeo bull!

PEGGY (Pushing him away rigidly as her left arm automatically jerks toward the ceiling) Get off me, Bobby! I’m going to pop the stitches from my latest neck lift! Besides, the air in here smells weird... like a rotten swamp.

MADAME CLOTILDE (Outraged, pulling a golden atomizer from her period dress) Those filthy Texas rednecks! Beau, it is time to use my grand-aunt's signature bayou fragrance: "Essence of Dead Alligator Baking under the Sun."

(Clotilde sprays the air directly into the Texans' faces. Bobby and Peggy freeze, wrinkling their noses.)

BOBBY Good lord, baby! Did a sewage pipe burst out on Bourbon Street? It smells like a hobo's sock soaked in the Mississippi!

BEAU (Stepping forward, cracking his knuckles with a smuggler's grin) Leave 'em to me, Clotilde. These folks need a little swamp adjustment to lower their pride.

(Beau sneaks up behind them, grabs their heads with his invisible hands, and blows a freezing blast onto their necks.) ¡Fuuuuu!

BOBBY & PEGGY (Jumping at the same time, clutching their necks) Holy hell!! It's freezing!

SCENE 2: THE STROBE EFFECT AND THE SEPARATION

BOBBY (Trying to calm down, spots the bottle on the table) Well, look at that! A free bottle of pre-Civil War Bourbon. Cheers to Louisiana!

(Bobby pours two glasses. They both chug it down in one gulp. Instantly, they freeze in a dramatic pose. The stage lighting shifts to an intense, voodoo red, and a strobe effect begins. A distorted New Orleans drumbeat echoes.)

(In slow motion, the actors playing Bobby and Peggy make a sudden "stepping back" motion to symbolize their souls detaching, while the main light focuses on their "bodies," which drop rigidly to the floor like sacks of potatoes. The strobe stops. The shadows blink, now free.)

BOBBY (GHOST) (Looking down at his own cowboy-booted body on the floor) Well, I'll be damned! Who the hell are you? And why are we looking at ourselves from the floor?

BEAU (Placing his foot squarely on Bobby's "body" and crossing his arms) Because you just kicked the bucket, cowboy. Too bad your journey doesn't end up here in the Quarter.

MADAME CLOTILDE (With a ghoulish smile) Welcome to eternity, you pair of cheapskates! You profaned my private reserve. Death is already on his way to collect his commission.

(From behind the screen, DEATH enters, lazily dragging his scythe. He stops, stares at the Texans, pulls out an hourglass, points at it impatiently, and lets out a dry, judgmental grunt: "Ahem! 💀")

BOBBY (GHOST) Nooo! My millions! This is a goddamn Louisiana scam!

(Death uses mime gestures to point down toward the catacombs and emits a deep, final groan: "Grrrr ooh-hoo! 💀". Beau gives them a light shove, and an invisible force drags Bobby and Peggy down into the darkness of Purgatory.)

SCENE 3: THE SQUATTERS AND THE SMUGGLER

(The lights return to a Gothic amber. From outside, the rhythmic thud of an aluminum walker is heard: "Thump, thump, thump!" MISS HATTIE enters pushing her walker, followed by SARAH carrying heavy, antique suitcases.)

MISS HATTIE Perfect, Sarah! I deserve to live here in this Creole jewel. This mansion is mine by spiritual right—the Tarot cards told me so! I know all about the original owners. Madame Clotilde was an insufferable, pretentious snob, and her smuggler, Beau, was a low-class rascal who smelled like river mud.

MADAME CLOTILDE (Furious, taking a sharp step forward) What did that bitch just call me?! Beau, handle her!

BEAU (With a wolfish grin) With pleasure, Madame. I'm about to cure this assistant's workplace stress in a heartbeat.

(Beau glides behind Sarah and plants a loud, wet, spectral kiss right on her neck. Sarah tenses up, her eyes wide as saucers, and she begins to sigh, grinning from ear to ear and wriggling with delight.)

SARAH (In an aside to the audience, fanning her blouse) Oh, sweet Jesus!... Lord have mercy, this swamp ghost is fine!... (Slaps her hand over her mouth, startled) Did I say that out loud or just think it?!

MISS HATTIE (Turning around, scandalized) Sarah, what in the world is wrong with you?! You're acting like a cat on a hot tin roof! Behavior yourself, we are conducting a respectable spiritual invasion!

SCENE 4: CHARADES WITH DEATH

(Miss Hattie approaches the desk and notices an old voodoo grimoire lying open.)

MISS HATTIE Look at this... The mansion's old journal. (Reads aloud, falling into a Gothic trance) "And the phantoms... are waiting... for us..." Oh, dear, my Southern nerves!

(Miss Hattie drops her walker and falls flat, struck down by a poetic heart attack. She lies stiff on the floor. Sarah panics, but DEATH suddenly appears floating right beside her.)

(Death taps Sarah on the shoulder. Sarah turns, terrified. Death, acting like a mime playing a game of charades, points at Hattie's corpse, points at Sarah, and begins gesturing for her to repeat the cursed words. Death mimics opening a book with his hands.)

SARAH (Guessing the mime gestures, trembling) A... a spellbook? (Death nods happily and points upward mystically) And... and the voodoo spirits? (Death claps and pretends to check an imaginary watch impatiently) Are waiting?... (Death points at Sarah and Hattie) For us?

(Death gives a "Bingo!" expression and dramatically clutches his heart, mimicking dropping dead. Sarah lets out a resigned sigh.)

SARAH Well, ain't that a bitch!... Then again, considering what's left of my paycheck and my life... I am not staying behind to deal with the funeral home in this town alone! Hold on, boss, I’m coming with you! Hoo-eee!

(Sarah dramatically throws her hands over her chest and falls to the ground with theatrical flair.)

(The rapid light flash and slow-motion effect repeat. The spirits of MISS HATTIE and SARAH rise nimbly from their bodies.)

MISS HATTIE (GHOST) Well, I'll be! My sciatica is completely gone! Beau... you're still as handsome and dangerous as a sin, you wicked man.

BEAU (Winking at Sarah as he offers his arm to Miss Hattie) And you ladies look more alive than Mardi Gras night. Welcome to the club.

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MUSICAL INTERLUDE: THE TIME ELIPSIS (SECOND LINE)

(The lights shift to a smoky blue and purple 1920s jazz club hue. A lively, highly infectious New Orleans brass band tune kicks in, complete with blaring trumpets and distorted trombones.)

(The four ghosts—Clotilde, Beau, Hattie, and Sarah—along with DEATH, line up on stage. They perform a short, stylized musical number: the classic New Orleans "Second Line" dance, twirling umbrellas with comical jazz steps. Beau snatches Hattie's walker and uses it as a prop for a quick Charleston.)

(During the dance, Death casually drags the two "bodies" from the floor behind the mahogany screen with total indifference. As the choreography ends, everyone strikes a spectral pose. An antique sign projected on the back wall reads in Gothic lettering: "ONE YEAR LATER...". The music finishes with a sharp blast from a trumpet.)

SCENE 5: THE HIPSTER INVASION AND THE SADISTIC VENGEANCE

(The lights return to the amber Gothic tone. Outside, a moving truck horn blares, followed by sharp, high-pitched barking: "Yip, yip, yip!" The doors burst open. CHAD and CHLOE enter, sporting fedoras, organic linen outfits, and artisanal coffee tumblers. They practically radiate New York optimism.)

CHAD (Looking at the ceiling in awe) Chloe, babe! I cannot believe we closed on this ancestral French Quarter space! The bohemian, mystical energy in here is just so raw! We are going to rip out all this colonial junk and these dusty mahogany screens.

CHLOE I know, right?! Everything painted in a clean, Scandinavian minimalist white. And we can put the custom designer dog beds right in that corner for our three French Poodles. I am so glad we decided to go child-free to really connect with our travel karma!

BEAU (Stepping to the front of the ghost lineup, cracking his neck, stretching his rugged bayou muscles) Scandinavian white? French Poodles in New Orleans? I'm gonna throw these two trust-fund kids headfirst into the Mississippi.

MADAME CLOTILDE (With a macabre smile) This is the end of civilization... Destroy their precious "karma," my specters.

(The four ghosts slowly line up facing the hipsters. Their expressions turn sadistic, malevolent, and dark. Death takes his place right in the center.)

MISS HATTIE (GHOST) I'll have these two for dinner with a side of hot gumbo.

SARAH (GHOST) We're about to give 'em a voodoo welcome they'll never survive.

(Suddenly, the lights flash into a sickly, swamp-like green and blue. The four ghosts, led by an ominous step forward from Beau, advance all at once. Chad and Chloe freeze mid-sentence. The air turns ice-cold, and their cheerful faces instantly warp into absolute terror. They are paralyzed with fear, trapped by the spirits.)

(DEATH calmly walks to the front, stops right before the terrified hipsters, pulls up a chair from the desk, and sits down with total composure. He produces an invisible glass of sweet tea, takes a slow sip through an imaginary straw while staring dead at the couple, and breaks the silence with a deep, booming, terrifyingly sadistic laugh:)

DEATH (With a massive, roaring, guttural echo that shakes the theater) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA... HAAA!!! 💀

(The four ghosts smile with pure cruelty, closing in on their new victims as the curtain drops instantly to a heavy bass drum hit.)

CURTAIN

THE END

 

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