The world's King
By BenGavarre
CHARACTERS:
- THE PRESIDENT: Pluto, a man with bright orange hair, an impossibly long tie, and an ill-fitting blue suit. He believes he is the strongest man on the planet.
- ENDORA: His former Chief of Staff. Realist, cold, and tired of diplomatic disasters.
- MELANY: His current Press Secretary. She only wants him to look good on camera and hides reality from him.
- DOCTOR Q: A government scientist and polling expert who no longer knows how to deliver bad news.
- MARCUS BLINDY: A Secret Service agent with a worn-out uniform.
- HILARY: The White House cleaning lady.
ONE ACT
MARCUS BLONDY: (Banging the floor with a golden rifle) — Attention! His Excellency, the Strongest President in History, Commander of the Greatest Nation on Earth, and Owner of all Luxury Hotels! Clap loudly!
(The President enters heavily, swaying his shoulders like a boxer. He stops to fix his orange hair in the reflection of a silver serving tray).
PRESIDENT: — Good morning everyone. Today is a fantastic day. I have decided we are buying Antarctica. It’s a very big block of ice, very beautiful. I’ll put my name on it in neon letters.
ENDORA: — Sir, you cannot buy Antarctica. It is not for sale, and besides, we have no allies left. This morning you broke the treaty with all neighboring nations because the Prime Minister of the North didn't want to pay for your cheeseburger.
PRESIDENT: — They are weak! Losers! I am a very stable genius. If they don't give me the North Pole and the Antarctic… I will put tariffs on the air they breathe. I am the greatest negotiator.
MELANY: — (Adjusting a ring light) — You look splendid, Mr. President! Don't listen to ENDORA. Social media says you own the sun. Look at that tan!
DOCTOR: — (Entering with a binder full of red charts) — Mr. President, I regret to inform you that your mandate over reality has ended. The sky is cracking because you ordered the rain to fall upwards. Your allies have blocked your phone number and have formed an alliance to never invite you to dinner again.
PRESIDENT: — That is fake news! It's a witch hunt! I am very strong. MARCUS BLONDY, go tell the Prime Minister of the North that the North Pole is now my private backyard. I want to put a golf course on the permafrost.
MARCUS BLONDY: — Sir, I cannot go. The limo is out of gas because our supply has been cut off. And besides, the Prime Minister says if you threaten him again, he’ll revoke the password to your favorite streaming service.
PRESIDENT: — (Throwing a tantrum) — It's a conspiracy! I'm the big guy here. Look at my hands! They are conqueror hands. If they don't give me Antarctica, I'm going to hold my breath until everyone else disappears.
ENDORA: — You have no one left to threaten. You are alone in this crumbling palace. Look at that crack in the wall: it's the national debt and international scorn coming in to get you.
PRESIDENT: — (Sitting in his swivel chair, which squeaks loudly) — It's not a crack, it's modern design. I ordered it! HILARY, bring my cheeseburgers, BRING MY COKE. I have to plan the invasion of the glaciers. I have to plan the invasion of Patagoly, Verysola, Vaticanus and Soviet Union… I want to be the new Pope, I can be a great Pope.
HILARY: — No more cheeseburgers, boss. The butcher says you owe him three trillion dollars and he'd rather give the meat to the neighboring countries you call "losers." Besides, I can't clean the room because the water pipes froze due to your bad climate policies.
PRESIDENT: — Unacceptable! I want my penguins! I want polar bears with my logo on their chests. Doctor, give me an immortality pill. I have to rule the ice forever.
DOCTOR Q: — There are no pills for delusions of grandeur, sir. Your time is running out. In an hour, your name will be scrubbed from search engines. Your former allies are already throwing a party you weren't invited to.
PRESIDENT: — (Voice trembling but still arrogant) — They will regret it! I am the strongest man who ever lived! Look at me! (He tries to stand up but trips over his own long tie). MELANY, tell me I'm strong. Tell me the North Pole belongs to me!
MELANY: — (Checking her phone, distracted) — Yeah, yeah, whatever... but I'm out of battery. And my contract says I don't work for presidents with fake followers. Bye. (MELANY disappears in a cloud of digital smoke).
PRESIDENT: — Come back here! You're fired! I fire you all! ENDORA, bring my map. I'm going to draw a new line so Antarctica is next to my summer resort.
ENDORA: — The map is blank, sir. You erased all the other countries because you didn't like their flags. Now walk into the darkness. Your empire of noise and threats has gone silent.
PRESIDENT: — (Alone, in the center of the room, as the lights fail) — But... but I am the greatest... I am the big guy! You can't do this to me! I invented winter! Antarctica is mine!... Is anyone there? Are you watching me? What are my ratings?
(The President stands motionless, staring at a television screen showing only static. The walls of the room disappear, revealing a cold, white void. The President shrinks until he vanishes completely. Only his long orange tie remains on the floor).
MARCUS BLONDY: — The President has logged off. God save... someone, EHEM, who knows how to read a briefing book!
CURTAIN
