THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET
An L.A. Farce in Three Acts
By Gavarre BEN
This work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are reserved. Public use of this work requires permission from the author and for permission contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
CHARACTERS
- BORIS (55): Widower. Tries to be a young stud at a Santa Monica gym, but everything hurts, even thinking.
- TAVO (50): Widower. Wears expensive sportswear that fits perfectly. Doesn't understand the technology of the machines.
- JUNIOR: Boris's son. Obsessive about order, life insurance, and making sure his father "doesn't break."
- SOFI: Tavo's daughter. Manager of her father's health, square-minded, and fearful of scandal.
SCENE I: THE "CRUNCH" OF DESTINY
Location: A trendy gym in Venice Beach. Warm lights, view of palm trees. Everything is vibrant neon green and pink.
(BORIS tries to lift a 5-kilo dumbbell with a face like he's carrying the Hollywood sign. TAVO is nearby, looking at a treadmill as if it were a spaceship).
BORIS: (Letting out a loud groan) UUGH! My sciatica... I feel like the San Andreas Fault has shifted in my spine.
TAVO: (Looking at him tenderly) Lumbago or just shortness of breath from the smog?
BORIS: (Cupping his ear) Huh? Speak into this side, the left one only hears the strange things of the gorgon.
TAVO: I asked if your body hurts. I'm here because my daughter Sofi says "we have to tone the mass for retirement." But what I want is an In-N-Out Double-Double burger and for my knees to stop hurting.
BORIS: (Fascinated) Burgers? Triple cheese? You're one of mine! My name is Boris. My son Junior has me punished here because he says that at 55 one is already part of the "used section," or the junk room.
TAVO: I'm Tavo. I'm 50 and they treat me like I'm a cut-glass vase: "Dad, don't move," "Dad, that fat is going to clog your pipes." Since I became a widower, my daughter is my personal sergeant!
BORIS: (Approaching, forgetting the weight) Say... doesn't it happen to you that you look at these young people with their celery, beet, orange, and carrot juices... and feel like we've joined the wrong side?
TAVO: (Lowering his voice, conspiratorial) I've joined the wrong side in so many things, Boris... Look, I'll tell you: I've spent my life being a "good man," an exemplary citizen of California. But here, among so many mirrors and so much muscle, I've realized that what beats in me is not my heart... it's curiosity for someone like you.
BORIS: (Astonished, smoothing his mustache) Are you serious? I thought I was the only castaway on this beach! Long live free love and bacon cheeseburgers!
SCENE II: THE CONFLICT (THE GLASS CHILDREN)
(JUNIOR and SOFI enter with iPads and stopwatches. They turn to stone upon seeing their fathers holding hands near the colored weights).
JUNIOR: Dad! What is this scandal?! Why aren't you on the elliptical burning off the pancakes from breakfast?
SOFI: Dad! What is that man doing touching your biceps?! That is not IN YOUR PERSONALIZED LOG!
JUNIOR: YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A LUNATIC! You can't do this to me! You can't have romances with a man! You can't have romances, period.
TAVO: (To Boris) Tell them about Malibu!
BORIS: (To the children, with courage) Listen up! We are getting married. Tavo is... is expecting our child.
JUNIOR: (Terrified) That is a lie to annoy me... How long have you known each other?
BORIS: It's the illusion! Illusion can do anything. We met yesterday, today, our whole lives, it doesn't matter. We went on an excursion to Malibu, near where Jim Morrison sought his destiny, the sun was burning, we drank a little Napa wine... and we realized that we prefer to live together than die alone in a luxury nursing home.
SOFI: (Crying) Dad, you're 50 years old, it's the end of your existence, understand! You have to think about my future, you can't spend my money.
TAVO: Didn't you want us to exercise? Well, we're going to exercise freedom! We'll have intensive gymnastics sessions.
SCENE III: THE LOCKER ROOM (JUST FOR MEN AND TRUTHS)
Location: The gym's rest area.
JUNIOR: (Waving an Excel sheet) It's unheard of, Dad! It's antisocial! I signed you up here to lower your sugar, not to raise the heart rates of all of Santa Monica. Look at his eyes, Sofi! He has a gleam like a cat about to pounce!
SOFI: (With an asthma gadget) It's totally selfish! Don't you think about my future? Your function is to sit, watch The Poseidon Adventure and feed the pigeons. You can't go around holding hands with a gentleman who obviously dyed his gray hair with Just For Men! Your trick is showing, Boris! And look, I respect faggots.
TAVO: (Proud) Look, it's good that you respect. I'm going to dye my hair blue, like a Smurf. I hope you respect Smurfs too.
JUNIOR: (To Boris) What a disappointment! I brought you here because this gym is serious. And now they tell me they've seen you at the corner café sharing a milkshake with two straws. Two! Straws are used alone, and quietly, if you catch my drift.
BORIS: I leave that to you, you bore. We like sharing our strawberry milkshake, Junior. And besides... Tavo has wonderful biceps... And thighs!
JUNIOR: (Screams) Don't say those things! You make my teeth grind! "Biceps"... Thighs... as if they were chickens! Parents don't have bodies, they are providers and figures of respect. Don't do this to me, please.
SOFI: (Dramatic) Dad, it's over. You're going home, putting on your gray pajamas, and watching documentaries about ants so you get rid of that idea of "going out" with gentlemen. Love at this age is forbidden!
TAVO: (Looking at Boris) You guys are so boring... Get a life... oh, and forget about my inheritance, girl.
BORIS: That sounds like a good idea to me... We are going to spend our fortune on cruises and all-inclusive resorts... We will send you postcards, as was the style before. Abur, boring ones. We love you.
FINAL: GRANDMA PODCAST
(The four characters are in the gym lounge. JUNIOR and SOFI look at their phones with horrified faces. A vibrant, warm, and very liberal voice is heard coming from a speaker. It is Boris's mother, an 85-year-old psychologist who lives in Topanga Canyon).
VOICE OF GRANDMA (Podcast): "...And to end my episode today on 'Living Without Permission,' I want to send a shout-out to my son Boris and his new friend Tavo. Bravo, boys! To the children who are listening to me: stop treating your parents like old furniture. If they want to fall in love in a gym or go dancing on Jim Morrison's beach, it's because they have more life than you, who only think about retirement. Live and let live! Now, I'm off to my nude yoga class. Namasté, motherfuckers! P.S. Work hard because I'm not leaving you a cent either."
(Total silence. BORIS and TAVO smile and hold hands. JUNIOR covers his face with the iPad. SOFI sits down, defeated).
BORIS: Did you hear your grandmother, Junior?
JUNIOR: (Whispering) She says she's going to nude yoga... I'm moving to a monastery.
TAVO: Boris... shall we go for that burger?
BORIS: Double with cheese, Tavo. And let the world roll.
(Boris and Tavo walk cheerfully towards the California sunlight, while Junior and Sofi remain staring at the phone, stupefied).
LIGHT: Fade to black while a Doors song plays.
THE END
