"Swift Prince"
Courtroom Madness
(Tangles at Court: A farce at the seams of power and sometimes on the very throne)
By Benjamín Gavarre
© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
Contact this address if you have produced it or wish to do so: gavarreunam@gmail.com
Characters:
- Jester A: Goliardic chronicler, cynical stand-up wit, and master of ceremonies.
- Jester B: Physical, ironic, the counterpart of quantum absurdity.
- Fat King Ubu / The Dead King: Gluttonous, authoritarian, fickle monarch obsessed with his "Green Shaphire".
- Swift Prince / The Eternal King: Narcissistic, existential heir, in love with a reflection and a kitchen boy.
- Kitchen Boy (Nicholas / Rigoletto / George V the Friendly): An enlightened, romantic youth and a false bastard bred via incubator.
- The Cook (The Baker / Countess of Chocolate): The kitchen boy's ambitious adoptive mother, expert in sourdough.
- The Sorceress (The Frog Queen): Biological surrogate mother, puppet-master pulling strings from the shadows.
Act I: The Stand-up Prologue
(The stage is empty, save for a barren tree, in the style of "Waiting for Godot", and absurd props that intermittently rise and fall from the rigging loom. Jester A and Jester B enter. They interact with the little tree: watering it, stroking it, giving it focus, but not too much. Then, they address the audience directly with the energy of a modern comedy club and palatial mannerisms).
Jester A: (To the audience) Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and expendable appendices, fugitives or celebrities of the Court! What a joy to see an audience that still has its head attached... before they chop them off outside. Did you know the guillotine has already been invented?
Jester B: It’s a great time to be alive. The King has just decreed that, due to the bankruptcy of the royal treasury, starting tomorrow bread shall be replaced by onions. Hungry? Eat onions! A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and onions... ah, no, that’s from another play, and a rather local one at that. Uf, this author...
Jester A: Our sovereign is a true visionary. He builds castles that look like wedding cakes and wonders why they melt in the rain. He wants to put ducks, DUCKS!, and crystal swans in an artificial lake… as if this were Disney! Ah, how funny... actually, no. Bad joke.
Jester B: But let’s move to the court, which is not just about the court and its wonders; there are also people who actually work, you know?
Jester A: I don’t feel targeted... or maybe I do work, and get paid. Let’s head over to the master pastry chef and her little boy, ah!
(The jesters cartwheel or change posture. The lighting shifts to a courtly, mouth-watering tone, like a royal kitchen. Two actors enter the stage to play the roles of the Kitchen Boy and the Baker; the jesters stay to the sides, subtly assisting: lighting a cigarette for a crown or passing a handkerchief).
Kitchen Boy: Mom, I love in secret.
Baker: (Vigorously kneading a sourdough) When I saw her, I said to myself: what a horror, how can anyone dress like that, showing off their… It’s just not proper. Everything was ready when she arrived and...
Kitchen Boy: My love is not of this world, it is something uncanny. (To the audience, proving he is highly cultured and enlightened) But he does not see me... I am transparent to his eyes, he will never notice me… he is the son of the…
Baker: Sourdough is very wise, did you know it contains so many of those things that nobody wants to eat anymore? Ah, gluten... those who want to be top models won’t even go near it. Eat some biscuits, son, and you’ll forget your lovesick sorrows.
Kitchen Boy: Good heavens. So you were listening to me after all...
Baker: I heard you, darling, but you're wasting your time. The Swift Prince is far beyond your reach.
Jester A: (Butting into the scene) Besides, do you know why they call him Swift, right?… It doesn't suit you… He finishes far too quickly.
Kitchen Boy: (Breaking character, to the audience) But I love him. Is it a sin to love whom one desires?
Jester A: You’ll have to wait until the 1960s, my boy, to see if you survive long enough to reach the sexual revolution… ah, but what century are we in anyway?
Jester B: Century? Ah, us... The sixteenth?
Baker: I do give you my consent, my boy, let’s see if you can pull us out of poverty. And make sure your new boyfriend names me, when he becomes king, the official pastry chef of chocolates.
Kitchen Boy: Is that all you aspire to, mother? If I am the king's consort, you would be the Duchess of Chocolate.
Baker: Sounds good to me; I am going to help you win him over.
Jester A: And me.
Jester B: And me as well.
Act II: The Mirror and the Sorceress
(The light shifts to a vibrant, golden tone. Jester B dashes to the center and acts as if holding an invisible mirror frame in front of the Swift Prince, who adopts an athletic and arrogant stance).
Swift Prince: (Lunge-fencing at the air before the mirror) And I don’t like it at all, not at all… and if I am this way, what can I do? Ugh! I hate you, mirror image... How did I fall in love with a prince?… I mean, with a kitchen boy!
[Intercalated Scene: Days before: The Mirror's Spell]
(The Swift Prince is fixing his garments and contemplating his sword. Suddenly, by a trick of the lights or the Sorceress's hex, the Kitchen Boy appears materialized right behind the mirror. They stare at each other, enchanted).
Swift Prince: But what do I see? It is the image of my desire, perfection itself.
Kitchen Boy: My lord, I would be so happy in your arms.
Swift Prince: Say no more, you shall be my prince consort when my father is gone. We shall rule this kingdom with prudence.
Kitchen Boy: My lord, a force pulls me away, it tears me from you, it is far too powerful. Ours is impossible.
Swift Prince: Ah, you have hurt me deeply, kitchen boy! But I shall go on loving you... Say, do you not have another name? I do not wish to call you kitchen boy… you know...
Kitchen Boy: My lord, I am not leaving, I am being taken! My love… I loooove you!
[End of Intercalated Scene]
Jester B: (Making sword noises with his mouth from the edge of the mirror) Clash, shhh! Ah, my Swift Prince, I am the mirror of the mirror… I mean, I am the voice of wisdom… Do you know who the most handsome prince in the entire kingdom is?
Swift Prince: Well, me. I am the only one, so I must be the most handsome. Why has my beloved kitchen boy vanished into thin air?
Jester B: Vanished he has not… if you wish, you can go look for him… He is in the kitchen… (Gulps) Though it would be a bit strange… You know, you are not of the same station… He is a kitchen boy and you are a Swift Prince.
Swift Prince: Leave me be, mirror of the mirror. My heart is shattered because I know you are right. Our love is impossible: "He is a river fish, and I am a sea fish."
(Fat King Ubu enters, parodying Alfred Jarry’s famous farce. He walks with great difficulty due to a monumental belly).
Fat King Ubu: Well, isn't that lovely... Scheiße! ...And may I not thrash you to pieces, Swift Prince! You must know you are not the only child in this kingdom.
Swift Prince: There is another and I didn’t know? Oh, gluttonous and clumsy father… who is he? I want to know… and is he handsome?
Fat King Ubu: By my green Shaphire!… Ah, son, your half-brother is the son of that hussy of your mother and a mountaineer who climbed Mount Everest.
Swift Prince: By your green Shaphire… Is he my bastard brother?
Fat King Ubu: Ah, no... not strictly. The loose woman had him delivered via... I mean, a surrogacy pregnancy with the Sorceress of the woods; she lent her womb, you see... In reality, he is the son of the wicked Sorceress of the woods and a mountaineer who climbed Mount Everest.
Swift Prince: Ah! That must be the kitchen boy, my heart tells me so… So strictly, strictly speaking, he is not my brother; therefore, I can love him.
Fat King Ubu: Ah, by my green Shaphire, so you fell in love with the kitchen boy. I was going to tell you about him, but not so you'd fall in love, but so you'd know you are not the only child... in this kingdom… But, man! We don't allow those strange customs in this realm, for the 60s sexual revolution hasn't arrived yet. Look, if you don't listen to me and stop loving or desiring him —and if you don't bed him even if you are swift and he spurns you— ah… well I… will punish you! If you don't obey me, I’ll snip off your ears with my little scissors and cut you off from the treasury funds, shittr!
Jester A: Ah, a terrible case, that of the Swift Prince. He loves and doesn’t know that…
Jester B: He doesn’t know that the kitchen boy loves him back… Well, well, clear as a bell.
Jester A: He does know, he appeared to him in the mirror thanks to a spell by the Sorceress.
Jester B: True, that happened in the previous scene... A flashback?
Jester A: Say, does the young kitchen boy have a name?
Jester B: Yes, he does… His biological mother, the Sorceress, gave it to him when they asked her to be the incubator that carried the child with the sperm of a mountaineer who climbed Popocatepetl.
Jester A: Everest, rriiight. Not Popocatepepepetel… Mmmmh, and what is the name?
Jester B: Nicholas, a noble name.
Jester A: Not quite, better call him Jeremiah.
Jester B: Or Toby.
Both Jesters: Malachi, Fernando, Augustus!
King and Prince: (Joining the shouting) Solomon, Henry, Ricky, Benedict, Saul, Edgar, Rigoletto…!
Swift Prince: That’s it! I shall call him Rigoletto… It’s a fine name for a youth loved by me…
ALL: Not really!
Swift Prince: Fine, we’ll name him Jorge instead, hahaha. Ah, well, that's what they say when getting ready to breed: they say "Let's name the baby Jorge," it's an invitation that means…
ALL: We get it!… Jorge is hard to pronounce.
Swift Prince: Nicholas?
Todos: ….Fine, fine: Nicholas for now...
Jester A: You’d need to speak with his mother the witch so she can give you Nicholas's hand.
Jester B: Look, speak of the devil... here comes his mother.
(The Sorceress arrives, adjusts her supposedly very long hair, and walks with exaggerated sensuality).
Sorceress: I was the incubator for my son, the kitchen boy.
ALL: Nicholas!
Sorceress: …And then it is assumed that the deceased loose woman was his mother. In those days, that wretched woman was the favorite of Fat King Ubu.
Swift Prince: Hey, does the loose woman have a name?
Fat King Ubu: She did, Jonah... But I had her decapitated, broke with the Church, and founded the Anglican Protestant Kingdom.
Swift Prince: Blimey, so we are Protestants?
Jester A: No, no... the miserable woman had her head chopped off with the guillotine, she practically inaugurated it... They say, they say, though it might just be fake news, that Guillotin, the one who invented the guillotine, was the first to be guillotined. Subtle, right?
Swift Prince: Pure gossip. Let's resume. The important thing is that I love, and that my love is impossible... for several reasons.
Fat King Ubu: Let’s hear it, why can't it be?
Jester A: Yes, why?
Jester B: Out with it!
Swift Prince: Father, a moment ago you didn't agree with this relationship, which you considered improper and whatnot... Why are you so volatile?
Sorceress: The point, my boy, is that yes you can, yes you can! I grant you his hand, Prince, but are you sure you can satisfy him?
Swift Prince: I, of course, I shall satisfy him... ugh.
Sorceress: I mean, you have a reputation for being very swift, that is to say…
Swift Prince: Ah, no, pure lies, fake news. The question is how do I tell him now. Will he still love me even though I didn't go fetch him from the... hmph, kitchen?...
Fat King Ubu: (Interrupting) I give you my permission too! The bastard Scullion is an illegitimate child, and that’s why I sent him to the kitchen... because he is a bastard. But he is not just a scullion, so yes, you can have a relationship. The class difference is not a problem; you just have to give him a title of nobility.
Jester B: (Imitating the loose woman who is already dead) The scullion is a false bastard, he is not an illegitimate child, since... he is the son of this Sorceress and a...
Jester A: (As Swift Prince) Yes, yes, of a mountaineer who climbed the... Popo... tate... kettle... A volcano.
Fat King Ubu: One must live, my son. It's just a matter of living... even if it's in a ridiculous manner. Go now, fetch him, he awaits you... Do not spend too much time in bed. And yes, I am volatile, so what!
Jester A: Oh yes, they'll be together and it will all happen in a matter of milliseconds.
Jester B: (As Jester) Ha, ha, ha... that’s a good one... And well, after the speedy coupling, you two will take care of governing the kingdom, right?
Fat King Ubu: Ah, only if I allow it. I have many years left on this throne. By my green Shaphire, shittr!
Sorceress: Not quite, my king; you are going to die in Poland. Or at least that's what the gospels say.
Swift Prince: You mean the oracles.
Sorceress: That's what I said. And besides, when they rule, the true hand that rocks the cradle will be mine.
Swift Prince: Blimey? What cradle are you talking about?
Jester A: Ah! That means the Sorceress is the real ruler, the shadow behind the chieftains, the shadow behind the princes… Therefore…. Consequently……
(A strident blast of trumpets sounds. The Scullion suddenly arrives)
Kitchen Boy: Here I am, my beloved Swift Prince… I am all yours and I shall prove it to you in a long night of passion.
ALL: Ah… the lover has arrived!
Swift Prince: Come here, my Prince Richard… You shall be my Lionheart.
Kitchen Boy: My name is Romualdo…
Swift Prince: Ah, no, what an ugly name… I shall call you George instead. I hope you don't mind; you shall be George V the very "Straight"... ah, I mean, George the Friendly.
Kitchen Boy: George the Friendly suits me... since very, very "Straight" I am not.
ALL: We know that, we know that!
Sorceress: In any case it would be Strait, son, because you must be quite narrow down there… Ah, but don't worry, I am your mother and I shall rule from behind you like a shadow, the shadow of knights… Who would have thought.
(The Cook enters).
Cook: Ah, nobody would have thought. The king handed Rigoletto over to me when he was nothing but a earthworm.
ALL: What on earth are you saying?!
Cook: That the total bastard, the kitchen boy, is my adopted son. I have given him my care and love, so I want to be promoted from cook to the distinguished and conspicuous “Duchess of Chocolate”.
Fat King Ubu: (Magnanimous and easy-going) Granted; for your good services, Marchioness of Chocolate you shall be…
Kitchen Boy: Ah, I don't agree… I want my mummy to be a Countess of a county.
Sorceress: (Stepping in to take power) Indeed... I sign and decree it.
Fat King Ubu: (Indignant) Hold on a moment, I am still the king. I hold the power---.
Sorceress: Yes, yes, yes, yes… For a few more milliseconds, “my king”. (She steps behind Fat King Ubu, blows on his neck, and red powder pours from her mouth. The king falls dead instantly). Ah, my children, go along now and misbehave; you shall do so all night because I grant it. Swift Prince, I also grant you long endurance in your endeavors; from now on you shall be known as the Eternal King. Long live the Eternal King!
ALL: Long live the Eternal King!
Eternal King: And long live King George V the Friendly as well.
Todos: Long live King George V the Friendly!
Act III: The Sad Night Without a Tree
(A transition effect is used: thick smoke, flashing lights, and a rumbling sound. As the stage clears, we are in the Throne Room. The light becomes gloomy, nocturnal. The two jesters sit on the ground, leaning against each other like Vladimir and Estragon, sharing an imaginary wineskin).
Jester A: (To the audience) This is the sad night without a tree.
Jester B: Although we do have a tree, indeed, in fact, for the uninitiated.
Jester A: Anyway... While the young ones frolic and keep doing their mischief now that the prince is eternal.....
Jester B: And he is king, right? Now it is night. And there is no moon, and the wind howls outside...
Sorceress: (Acting as the true Queen of the place, haughty, pretending to drink red wine from a crystal goblet) Let me tell you. I am a witch, I am a mother, and I rule. I have decreed new taxes: for every window, for every staircase, for every extra light bulb: Taxes, lots of taxes. We rule with the crown. By my Green Phizzog, shittr!
Jester B: Listen to the witch. She thinks she's Mother Ubu. Off with her ears, haha.
Jester A: She’s like a frog that thinks she's the king, or thinks she's the queen.
Sorceress: Ahhh... What is wrong with you? Yes, I am a frog, so what. I’ve always been one, but I disguised myself as a sorceress because that way I can be seen.
Jester A: We knew it. But that business of you ruling as the shadow behind the princes hasn't panned out. The kingdom does not recognize you as the powerful boss lady you claim to be. In fact, they detest you. They have revolted and refuse to pay taxes. (Looks at her strangely) Are you a frog?
Sorceress: I am a frog. That is the pure truth, but through my magical frog powers, I managed to become a sorceress, and from a sorceress into a queen... And yes, I hold the power, and if I want to be bossy, I can be. And if my subjects are in revolt, I will ask the princes to name me Most Serene Sovereign and I will crush this rebellion by levy of more taxes.
(Transition music and trumpet blasts. The two Kings arrive and everything turns into a mock coronation ritual).
Eternal King: Ah, subjects of this realm, I, by my green Shaphire, name my mother the Sorceress as Queen Sovereign, Her Serene Highness.
King George V the Friendly: I amicably correct you, Eternal King… The queen is my true mother, remember; biological mother, true. But you see, I have three mothers and you have none… with all due respect, my friendship.
Eternal King: Yes, frankly at this point I don't know who my real mother is; this play is so absurd that the writer forgot to clarify who begot me.
(The Dead King enters the stage with his face painted a corpse-like green).
Dead King: Ah, son, I shall tell you, but only after we name the queen Her Serene Highness.
ALL: Long live Her Serene Highness, hooray!
Eternal King: That's done, so what next? Who is my true mother? I need to know.
Cook: My boy…. It's not you, but it could be. I can adopt you; you'd be the little Count of Chocolate.
Jester A: That wasn't in the script. Someone shut the Countess of Chocolate up. She is unpresentable, her inner cook is showing; she has no class for the high lineage she has attained.
Jester B: Countess, please do not talk nonsense… The true mother of the Swift Prince is…
Eternal King: Do not call me prince, for I am king, eternal am I. And I want, I demand to know who my mother was, or is!
Jester A: The truth is nobody knows. The king died and took the secret to his grave.
Jester B: Sad, but true.
Dead King: But here I am, here I am!
Jester A: You are a ghost so nobody sees or hears you… By my green Shaphire, shittr!
Jester B: Off with the little ghost's ears.
ALL: Off with his ears!
Act IV: The Jester's Joke (The Stand-up of Truth)
(Muffled background noises are heard: thuds, riots, and distant shouts from an enraged populace. The jesters completely drop the fiction of the royal characters and step to the front. Jester B pulls out a cowbell and shakes it violently).
Jester B: Jester B: Attention, low-rent aristocracy! The subjects have arrived at the gates! They all come sick of being starved, tired of being invisible... fed up with the sovereigns and Her Most Serene Highness ruling and keeping them in utter destitution. There are taxes even for sneezing... next there will be for simply breathing... Good heavens, Bloody hell, by my green Shaphire, shittr!
Jester A: (Imitating the haughty pose of the Sorceress) "Oh, it's nothing… The outside world is falling apart, but the gates of this castle are solid, impenetrable, impregnable. All of us shall continue to rule without the people, without the subjects being able to do a thing."
Jester B: (To the audience) It's fascinating. Outside they are burning the stables and inside the Eternal King is worried because he doesn't know who his mother was or is, and because his crown doesn't match his slippers. Do you know what the servant said to the executioner? "Make it quick, I left the beans on the stove." That’s pragmatism!
Jester A: Well said. Though it’s a bit absurd.
Jester B: Say, Jester A, I was thinking… we don’t even have names.
Jester A: Kings believe we are their funny mirrors, but we are their funeral chroniclers. I just saw the princes in the botanical garden. They didn't look like lovers anymore. Now they know that love ends. (Sings dramatically) *AND LOVE COMES TO AN ENDNNND!* And tired of being alone for so long, now what they want is to breathe fresh air; that's why they went to the botanical garden, to see if intense love turns into a beautiful friendship.
Jester B: The Dead King chased me a moment ago with his royal umbrella because I told him his lineage would end in a pond. The old man laughed, he thought it was a joke. What majestic blindness! Look at them, there go the boys...
Jester A: Oh look: King George V the Friendly has given the Swift Prince a pat on the shoulder… Now their friendship is true and they shall rule this kingdom, once Her Serene Highness returns to her frog condition.
ALL: Long live the kings, long live!
Sorceress: Oh, wretched me... nobody looks at me, nobody notices me once again in my miserable life... Not even my biological son... So be it. I ruled with wisdom and a dash of malice, but with... consistency and constancy... I have been a magnificent sovereign, very, very good and excellent... And I want to tell you that I am going to buy Greenland, how about that?
ALL: You are a frog, now you are a frog.
Sorceress: Oh, really? Oh, really?… Well I….
ALL: What do you want, little frog?…
Sorceress: …Little frog, how sweet… So you all recognize me as a frog then?
ALL: Well yes, of course, you are a frog… Froggy, little frog.
Sorceress: Oh, how touching, how lovely… Well in fact, if you want me as a frog, a frog I shall be--- I am a froggy frog. Croak, croak!
(The scene is bathed in a green pond lighting. Everyone smiles happily at the restoration of order and the placidity of the kingdom, surrounding and applauding the frog).
ALL: Long live the Frog, long live the kings and the jesters!
Dead King: Long live me!
ALL: You shut up, little ghost, you are dead and buried.
Dead King: Alas, alas, wretched me, oh unhappy soul!
Act V: The Clash and The Kiss of the End of the World
(The light is tinged with a twilight red, beautiful and dreamlike. The outside noise is a choral mass humming a cheerful melody like 'we are happy, we are happy, Yahoo!'; constant murmurs of approval are heard from the people: "How good the princes are, I like them, they are the best... They are so handsome, and they are good friends…". The jesters place themselves at the far ends of the stage. George V the Friendly and the Swift Prince meet in the center. The dialogue here loses its parody and is recited with a stark poetic truth).
Swift Prince: The kingdom loves us.
George V the Friendly: The subjects are pleased, what more could one ask for?
Swift Prince: I would like, however, to know who my true mother is.
George V the Friendly: Not this again... they already said so in Act III.
Swift Prince: They did?! Truthfully, I don't remember. And who said it?
George V the Friendly: Dunno.. But, What matters is that we love each other.
Swift Prince: The miserable Sorceress has turned into a frog; she turned her own self into herself. Look at her, there she is. Hear her croak.
George V the Friendly: Don't be like that, after all, that frog is my biological mother... could I be a frog?
Swift Prince: I don't think so, though truth be told, you have a certain froggy quality about you.
Jester A: Prince, allow me a correction… "Hear her croak" is what you say. Not "look at her croak," unless you are deaf.
Swift Prince: Hear her croak, then.
Sorceress: Croak, croak!
George V the Friendly: Yes, mummy, I understand… She says that what matters is that we are very good friends, we are like two soulmates.
Jester B: Sword-mates, more like.
Swift Prince: (Full of glory) Well of course, yes. Soulmates, that’s what we are!
Sorceress: There are not enough sunsets in this kingdom of England to explain the absurdity of us being here and of me being a frog.
George V the Friendly: Here in Poland one breathes an air of satisfaction and glory. The fat king has vanished here, in this beautiful fairytale Poland.
Swift Prince: Your eyes show me the right path: the path toward your eyes.
George V the Friendly: We coincide in desire and reflection... We are happy soulmates and we rule this beautiful kingdom of England.
Swift Prince: And here I am, trapped in your silence. And your friendly company.
George V the Friendly: Wait... We are friends or we are happy lovers...
Swift Prince: We are this and that... We change like the weather, shall we?
George V the Friendly: I knew you’d say that… this author is predictable.
Swift Prince: Isn't he, though? It’s a bit absurd, don't you think?
George V the Friendly: Come, my eternal prince, come.
(The princes move to embrace and unite. The jesters and the rest of the cast applaud enthusiastically. The Dead King tries to quiet them, drawing attention to himself).
Dead King: Listen, listen, pay attention to me, I am not invisible!
Todos: Shut up, dead king.
Dead King: Oh, really?… Then you will never know who the true mother of the Swift Prince is, never, never… will we know.
ALL: Never, never will we know.
Dead King: (Being ignored and invisible again) Hey! Pay attention to me!
Todos: Long live the princes; long live!
Half of the Cast: Long live the kingdom of Poland!
The Other Half: Long live!!!
ALL: Long live England!!!
Dead King: Oh, what an outrage, England, Poland? I'm dying. Too much confusion. “These things are simply not done!” I swear, by my green Shaphire, shittr!
(An absolute thunderous crash shakes the theater. The lights go out instantly, leaving the hall in complete darkness).
