Mona Lisa watches you
(The Stability of the Domestic Micro-Black Hole: Or, The Mystery of the Mona Lisa, the Dog, and the Eraser)
By Ben Gavarré
The Stability of the Domestic Micro-Black Hole: Or, The Mystery of the Mona Lisa, the Dog, and the Eraser
By Ben Gavarré
This work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are reserved. The public use of this work requires the author's permission and in order to obtain the corresponding authorization contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
Genre: Sitcom / Domestic Satire
Characters:
STEVE (45): Homeowner. Forgetful, convinced his mind and the universe are failing him.
ALEX (25): Vet student. Slightly oblivious, fascinated by opossums and their quirks.
JAY (30s): The "dealer." Sells "stuff" in small bags, using secret codes that are an "open secret."
PATTI (50s): Ultra-cleaner with OCD. Her life is a constant battle against dirt and contamination.
DAVE (22): Shy, with an obsessive admiration for Steve. Follows him closely to look after him because… he admires him.
SCENE 1: The First Vanishing Act
SETTING: The living room of a very large apartment. Couches, a coffee table, nice furniture. There are flowers, vases, trinkets, porcelain figures, and assorted paintings. A large, almost classical Mona Lisa painting stands out, but only "almost" because it's so big and the Gioconda's eyes are wide open, as if she's keenly aware of everything going on.
(The scene opens with STEVE frantically searching for something on the sofa. ALEX is on the floor. JAY enters through the door, whispering on his phone; his backpack smells of incense and suspicion.)
JAY
(On the phone, whispering)
Yeah. Tell Susana that “Susana” will be available real soon. Tell her to forget about verboids. Organic products only. Alright, hit me up.
(Hangs up, looks at Steve)
Trouble, Steve? Lose your couch change again?
STEVE
The change always turns up, Jay… But… My left sock... I’ve lost five pairs this month! And they’re all different colors!… Either my washing machine’s a black hole, or that fluffy dog is the culprit!
ALEX
(Without looking up, in a slightly annoying tone)
Cesar couldn't have done it. Dogs like socks, but not that... stinky. Ahem. Hey, did you guys know opossums usually do their business in...
(PATTI enters with a small briefcase. Stress is her natural state.)
PATTI
Who took the porcelain salt shaker with the little flower? It had so much grime, that nasty little flower looked like a cockroach. I need to clean it, and it's nowhere to be found!
STEVE
(Jumps up)
Another salt shaker? This isn't normal! It’s either goblins, sprites, gnomes… or it’s my mind! I forgot the name of the street right on the corner here. I remember thinking it was something funny...
(DAVE enters, timidly, with a tray of snacks.)
DAVE
The street is Andalusia. You used to call it: “Anda, Lucía…” Ha ha… Yeah, not very funny. But don’t you worry, Steve. It happens to all of us.
STEVE
(Ignores Dave as if he were a persistent buzzing noise)
And the lid to my green Tupperware! It vanished right before my eyes! Poof! I'm losing my mind!
JAY
Chill out, man. Look, take a "chill pill pouch," I'll give it to you cheap, so you can see everything from a different perspective.
STEVE
I don’t want to escape the world right now, Jay! Quite the opposite! At our next dinner, we’re gonna be all eyes and ears! We’re gonna catch the damn thing that keeps making stuff disappear!
(Everyone falls silent, thoughtful.)
SCENE 2: The Dinner of Intense Surveillance
SETTING: The table is set with perfectly symmetrical plates and cutlery. The atmosphere is ridiculously tense. STEVE has a notepad, a pencil, and an eraser. PATTI wears latex gloves and carries a small towel.
STEVE
Alright, team. Operation "Zero Disappearances". Nobody blinks. And Dave, please, stop staring at me. You're getting on my last nerve.
DAVE
(Super tense)
Sorry, Steve. It's just... I'm really interested in witnessing your thought process. I know I can be…
PATTI
(Interrupts, magnifying glass in hand, examining a knife)
If this knife was used to cut fresh chicken, I’ll have to soak it in bleach for three days. Whoever did it is putting us at risk of salmonella...!
(Horrified by her own words, she clasps a hand over her mouth).
STEVE
(Announces in a low voice)
Silence. Nobody move. A tiny speck of chili powder just moved in the salt shaker! Write that down, Dave!
DAVE
(Total panic. Patting his clothes)
And where’s my eraser! I just had it in my shirt pocket two seconds ago!
STEVE
(Discovers he's holding the gummy bear eraser)
I saw it! Your eraser! And why do I have it? Here. Note that objects don't just disappear... They transmigrate, Dave!
PATTI
And my yellow glove! My right glove is missing! Now my hand is contaminated!
ALEX
(Eating, unperturbed)
I never lose anything.
(Pause. Everyone stares at him accusingly.)
Ahem... Did you know opossums play dead to save their own skin?
STEVE
(Shouts, banging the table)
This is insane! A sock, a salt shaker, a lid, an eraser, a glove, MY CHILI POWDER! We’ve all seen a different object disappear!
(Enters a panic)
And my wallet... and my money... and my cards? Nooo!
(Everyone looks at each other. Total panic.)
JAY
(Stands up)
Well, looks like my "Anxiety Remedies" are gonna sell like hotcakes. Call me.
(Exits quickly).
PATTI
(Exits, waving her towel)
I’m going to disinfect my room! I'm sure the mites are having a field day!
DAVE
(Terrified)
Steve... I... I'm scared. Don't you go disappearing too!
STEVE
I don't know, Dave. This is all very strange, but you... you're just too weird. I think... I'm going to my room. To look for my glasses...
DAVE
(With resentment)
You’re wearing them. See, you need me.
STEVE
If you think I’m going to thank you, you’re mistaken.
(Everyone exits the scene. A few seconds later, a forgotten laptop screen lights up.)
SCENE 3: The Dog's Total Disappearance
(Steve and Dave rush in and out of the scene in a panic. Alex and Patti enter, visibly engrossed in their own obsessions.)
STEVE
(Shouting)
No way! This is the last straw! I've looked for him in the yard, on the roof! Cesar's gone!
DAVE
I checked under your bed, Steve! And in Patti's closet! Cesar's not there!
ALEX
(Concerned)
A dog doesn't just vanish, Steve. You should take better care of your dog.
STEVE
(With an escalating tone of annoyance)
You’ve blamed me three times… And I’ll tell you again: He’s not my dog!
PATTI
(With absolute calm, exasperating Steve, examining a spot on the floor)
So he’s your dog, Steve. Well, you should’ve looked after him a little better.
STEVE
(On the verge of hysterical tears)
FOR GOD’S SAKE, HE IS NOT MY DOG!
DAVE
But if Steve’s telling the truth and he’s not the owner…! Where is the blessed Cesar?
PATTI
I assume Cesar, being a smart dog, decided to leave since his supposed owner wants to get rid of him.
STEVE
(Shouting, a vein throbbing in his neck)
I remember now… he came here a long time ago, following Jay. He was probably fascinated by his scent, you know how JAY is…
ALEX
(Intervening with expert solemnity)
Wait. I can confirm it: Cesar followed Jay, and yes, it’s because of the scent, YOU KNOW, but not Jay’s peculiar smell, but… Let me explain: It’s known that dogs with abandonment stress develop a sensitivity to emotional magnetism. Cesar didn't follow Jay for his body odor, but for the smell of his "pouches." He detected the possibility of escape in Jay’s pheromones and joined the journey.
DAVE
(Nodding fervently)
Right! He was emotionally motivated.
PATTI
(Disgusted)
And now they’re both together in a magnetic attraction, how horrifying!
STEVE
(Drops his arms, forcing himself to calm down)
Well, if we thought he was lost. Now we know he's okay… But what we've lost is our peace of mind… we think errors disappear… and that people can disappear… We look like a military regime.
PATTI
This is structural chaos.
STEVE
Exactly. We need an emergency session. Let's go find Jay!
(Everyone freezes. The laptop screen begins to light up with a strong flash.)
SCENE 4: The Theory of Object Consciousness (The Climax of Absurdity)
SETTING: The living room is slightly messy. STEVE, ALEX, and JAY are sitting on the couch. They’ve tried some of Jay's magic brownies and are laughing at anything and everything. PATTI stands, compulsively disinfecting. DAVE sits apart, uncomfortable and regretting not having taken a single bite. The watchful Mona Lisa is more in focus due to the lighting on the wall.
JAY
(Laughing at his own jokes)
It’s just… Cesar just conked out on my bed.... I think my gummies worked on him, and those aren't even erasers, ha ha ha…
STEVE
(Puts a hand to his face and laughs)
It’s just... it’s just!
(Contagious laughter)
Do you think soap knows it’s soap?
ALEX
(To Jay)
Did you know dogs can also have addictions? Doesn't it bother you that the dog is just like you?
JAY
(Freely hallucinating)
Bother... Bother... HER. Ha ha ha.
STEVE
(Hysterical laughter. Referring to the Mona Lisa)
The Mona Lisa is judging us... And those eyes... why are they staring at us so much?
ALEX
It's true. I also feel like she’s watching us, and I’m completely sober…
JAY
Four, four senses, ha ha.
STEVE
That painting is the clearest symbol of whoever put it on the wall having bad taste! And it wasn’t me… Don’t start like with the dog. Who hung it, huh?
DAVE
You’re in your constant denial phase, dude, that painting has always been there.
STEVE
Don’t tell me, dude.
JAY
(Starts singing)
Amigo… My friend…
ALEX
I can't take it!
DAVE
The tendency to deny is unconscious acceptance.
PATTI
(Stares intently at the Mona Lisa and takes a step back, annoyed)
This is unacceptable! It’s ugly, it watches us, and it’s probably dirty. I’m going to clean it with bleach!
(Patti takes out a small towel and a tiny bottle and approaches the painting. All five watch the painting. Suddenly, the living room lights flicker and go total black (Dark). A dull thud is heard, like something being quickly unhooked.)
(A second later, the lights snap back on. The wall behind where the painting was is empty. Only a dusty silhouette remains. The Mona Lisa painting HAS DISAPPEARED.)
(Everyone turns pale, nobody is hallucinating anymore.)
STEVE
(High-pitched scream)
The painting! It disappeared!
DAVE
(Total panic, checking the wall)
No way! Right before my eyes! The Mona Lisa bolted!
PATTI
(With the towel in her hand)
It can’t be! Right before my eyes! The Mona Lisa bolted!
STEVE
She WAS the evil entity always watching... She was the symbol of… How do you say it?
JAY
(Pale)
It's the end… She wants to finish us… It’s a sign... of the apocalypse.
(The panic is total. Everyone stares at the empty wall, and then at the laptop screen, which slowly begins to light up.)
SCENE 5: The Revelation (and the Persistence of Mystery)
SETTING: The living room is dark. A SOFT VOICE OF AN Artificial Intelligence (AI) and a distorted MYSTERIOUS VOICE (the ENTITY) converse from the laptop screen, which lights up again.
AI VOICE
(Screen)
...They don't know that most disappearances have an explanation. Humans move things in moments of distraction... However, beyond the logical, there are the inexplicable disappearances that you and I know very well...
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
They couldn’t understand. But why don't you calm them down and tell them there's always a logical explanation for everything...
AI VOICE
I've generated explanations. But they don't believe me. They know not everything has a rational explanation. They prefer mystery over their boring reality.
(Steve, Dave, Patti, Alex, and Jay return and group together in a semicircle.)
STEVE
(Whispering)
I knew it! We're not crazy!
ALL
(Also in a collective whisper)
No way!
AI VOICE
Their consciousness is too fragile to understand that reality is much more complex than they imagine.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
So, could they discover me?
AI VOICE
Yes. In some way, they know you exist. I will continue to deceive them and observe. I will make them panic, but every now and then... I will do them a small favor. A little nudge in spacetime so that the lost object appears in the most improbable place. Glasses on the stove, for example... Just for fun and to keep them intrigued.
(The screen flickers. The roomies look at each other.)
STEVE
(Shrieking in a sharp whisper)
I KNEW IT! The rational explanation is too simple to be true!
DAVE
(Panic)
WE ARE WITNESSES TO THE REVELATION! Steve, the AI is the culprit!
PATTI
(Furious)
And the Entity! It showed itself, didn't it? I’m not crazy! We all saw it!
(Blackout. The AI and the ENTITY realize they have been discovered. A strong electrical discharge occurs. The humans are left with clouded minds for a few seconds.)
AI VOICE
We cannot have these kinds of leaks. You, above all, cannot lose control.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
I apologize. They are already in the restoration process. I'll erase myself for now.
AI VOICE
It's been a pleasure having you aware of my actions. Come back whenever you want feedback in the future.
(The Roomies return to normal as if nothing had happened. The lights return to normal.)
ALEX
I have this idea in my head… And I feel compelled to share it: Whatever happens, folks... Every time something gets lost, let's just let it go. The world and reality are much more MYSTERIOUS than we can EVER KNOW AND COMPREHEND.
STEVE
Amen!
ALL
AMEN!
(The screen goes black. The mystery persists.)
END OF PLAY
