FOR I HAVE WINGS TO FLY: AN INTERLUDE
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Characters:
· SCAR (THE WISE PIMP): A retired pimp who no longer practices but now tells bad jokes.
· FRIAR BLUSH: Young and sexy; receives harassment from everyone.
· TINY TINKER (The Madman): Talks to himself: "Tinker, Tinker, the light has arrived, the light has arrived..."
· FATHER QUACK (THE HYPOCRITE): The worst priest in the Church; wants to get rid of his young pupil, Friar Blush.
· MAD NAN: The village madwoman who everyone 'has a go at' on St. John's Night. She lifts her skirt at the slightest provocation.
Setting:
A liminal space, between an orchard and a graveyard: No Man's Land. This corner is a usual refuge for the mad and the vagrants who come to sleep, drink, or engage in other activities. By day, it is a pretty, sunny spot. By night, it is a gathering place for all kinds of vagabonds, outcasts, or those retired from "The World" who seek safety or a place to spend the night. It is situated near a market or a church. This corner is the home of Mad Nan, Tiny Tinker, and Scar, but it is always open to unexpected guests.
Scene One:
NO MAN'S LAND: The Open-Air Cloister
(MAD NAN, TINY TINKER, and SCAR are in their respective spots. FRIAR BLUSH enters, seeing them with fear and shyness. Behind him, almost simultaneously, enters FATHER QUACK (hereafter QUACK), who has a leash attached to Friar Blush, like the kind used today for dogs, which extends and can be locked with a simple device.)
QUACK:
Souls of good faith! I have come to request assistance for this poor boy, a portent of bad habits and inappropriate conduct. I want you to show FRIAR BLUSH how badly he might end up if he continues with his folly. What better mirrors of a miserable future than those of you who have fallen into Perdition?
SCAR:
(Ignores the insults Quack has casually thrown. He raises a hand and puts it away, having made quick mental calculations). Hmph... I don't see him as so inappropriate. He looks a bit skinny, but he has good looks... If he fed himself a little better, he could take charge of some girls I know... who need a strong lad to take their money... of which I would be due a fair share.
MAD NAN:
(Rises abruptly). You want to make the boy a pimp, so you can be the pimp's pimp... Jesus, what nerve! Can't you see that in this territory, I am the one who keeps all the profits? Come on, boy, turn around! We want to see your package and your backside to see if you're good as merchandise or merely a merchant's clerk!
QUACK: (Struggling with Tiny Tinker, who is writhing).
Hold steady, son! Look, holy man! They've got their eye on you and recognize you're sexy and capable, if a little skinny!
TINY TINKER: (Openly harasses Friar Blush, smelling and touching him).
Come on, you gardener's dog, why are you tied up by that man wearing a shit-colored gown...? Tell me, skinny little angel... (Now he harasses Quack). And who is this pompous old turkey-face? Why does he tie you up like a pig? He looks more like a pig himself, after gorging on scrawny chickens and a possum stuck in a bush! Nahhh, I can't stand him. He's the color of a boiled louse! Woof! Woof! Tinker, Tinker, Woof!
QUACK: (Terrified).
I am not a dog, so do not bark at me... I am the servant of my flock! I am a holy man...
TINY TINKER:
Nahh... you're a waste of time. I'd rather interview this unusual boy... What have you got for me... Heh heh.
FRIAR BLUSH:
I just want to be a free farmer, I want to sell potatoes and onions... I am a poor, vulnerable boy, oh dear...
TINY TINKER:
Well, I am the king! And I declare this handsome boy my godson and protected one... Tinker, Tinker, the light has arrived, the light has arrived... (With prophetic wisdom). If anyone dares to touch him, I will fill their head with lice myself! And I'll eat them one after another, like a mother orangutan cleaning her babies... (Speaking madly to himself). Tinker, what do you say, Tinker...? Is that not right?...
MAD NAN: (To Tiny Tinker).
I know you will protect us from ill omens. Take that leash off the Friar-dog, I want to show him what I'm wearing. (She lifts her skirt and shows her undergarments to Friar Blush). Look, little Friar, you are so pretty I wish I could take you to the fields with me... there we will grow potatoes and onions and cabbages and cucumbers and watermelons and papayas... (She tries to be sensual). Do you like what you see? Because I can show it to you inside-out...
FRIAR BLUSH: (Terrified).
Merciful God the Father, you have brought me here to hell on earth. I don't want to be a martyr, I don't want to go with this saintly woman, and I no longer want to grow potatoes or onions... I want to go to a beach in the Caribbean and be taken care of by a Grand Duke or a feudal lord.
TINY TINKER:
You should have said so earlier! I am a Duke, I am a feudal lord. I am a Prince, even better, I am God! I'll take you to Cancun or the Canary Islands and buy you a lemon ice cream while we watch the sunset and see the divers throw themselves from the Cliff... Let's all go to Acapulco, my treat...!
FRIAR BLUSH: (Shouting).
That makes no sense! I don't want to go with you because you are very mad. You all frighten me, and I want a normal life, with a cottage in the shire and I want to have some chickens and a piglet and grow potatoes and onions.
SCAR:
Potatoes and onions... you said it... and then you took it back, who can understand you... But come on, boy, with those looks, you could get a Duchess, a Marquess, or a beautiful prostitute... I can be your protector too, if you like... I can take your money, but you know: 85% is mine!
TINY TINKER: (Gives free rein to his madness, changes the subject).
Tinker, Tinker, the light has arrived, the light has arrived... (Laughing, while pretending to brush dust off his shoulder). I have a joke for my grandmother's empty cupboards! What did a pious lady of the court do when she couldn't pay the tailor?
MAD NAN: (Quickly enters his game).
What did she do?
SCAR: (Also inserts himself into the chain of bad jokes).
I know: She prayed to all the saints to sew up the holes in her stockings!
ALL: (Sound of a rimshot, "Ba dum tss," and immediately followed by general disapproval). Ugh!
MAD NAN:
I have it, I have it: The pious lady ate her snot and smeared snails on the windows so no one could see what was happening inside. She never paid the Tailor and soiled the fine clothes...
ALL: (Tiny Tinker and Scar exchange a look of comic disapproval). Oof! That was worse!
QUACK:
I believe that good woman of the court worried about the neighborhood children and tied a rope around their necks as if they were dogs to turn them into martyrs and thus achieve salvation in heaven.
FRIAR BLUSH: (Clutching his head, ignoring the jokes and mockery).
Everyone here is a demon! This is an infernal competition of nonsense...! I want to live in a cottage, with some sheep and a dog, and I want some goats and to eat goat cheese...
MAD NAN:
And you would need a woman, a woman to cook you potatoes and carrots... what do you say? I'm on sale.
TINY TINKER: (Returns to the string of jokes).
I have a joke for the lonely men who live with their dog and their sheep... Do you want to hear it?
FRIAR BLUSH: (Giving in a little).
Fine. I want to hear the joke about the sheep...
TINY TINKER:
A little shepherd like Friar Blush lived in the country with a dog and many sheep. One day, a friend from the city came to visit and asked him: — Hey, are you one of those who sleeps with sheep? — Disgusting!... And the little shepherd, very calmly, replied: — And if you saw the threesomes I organize with the dog...
FRIAR BLUSH:
Help, where are you, my God?! I don't want to go to the country anymore, I don't want sheep, I don't want dogs... I want a holy life and a vow of poverty in a Hermitage! I want to be an anchorite and for no one to bother me! (He starts what is clearly a long, pathetic speech about his destiny). My destiny in the World, in the Century, is no longer for me, nor is the Cloister where wicked monks live... I prefer to be a solitary hermit, an anchorite, a servant of God in the Desert... just as Jesus, our Lord, walked through the...
(Fed up with the speech, Tiny Tinker, Mad Nan, and Scar, without a word and coordinated, interrupt him and playfully hit him — three quick, rhythmic taps on the back or head — with mild, comic violence.)
FRIAR BLUSH: (Voice of a scolded child, high-pitched and trembling).
Ah! You have struck me! You shall be punished! (He clutches his neck. His gaze falls on the leash. Dramatic pause. He looks at it with terror, then disgust. He tears it off with a yank and throws it to the ground like a dead snake. Use of the Leash) Look! I am free! I no longer have the leash that tied me to that miserable Father Quack, the worst of all religious men...
(His voice transforms, becoming deep, theatrical, and resonant. Emphasis on the Contrast of Voices)
Now... now I know what I am. I will be a malignant aberration, I will be an Angel of Hell! I will be like Satan, and I will lead all of you to the abyss of Evil. (He stares fixedly at Mad Nan and Scar). Now, you will be my slaves, you will be my dogs... I! I! I shall be the most infernal of all demons! (The shift from victim to demon is complete.)
(FRIAR BLUSH, after this dramatic action, has an episode of convulsions and collapses, rigid, next to the leash.)
QUACK: (Desperate, trying to calm the atmosphere).
Gentlemen... Madam... have you seen what I have to deal with every day...? Friar Blush suffers from an indisposition of the pneuma... and the humours of the bile and melancholy collide, and every so often he is possessed by the demonic spirit... and I try to convince him he can be a saint, a martyr... so I take him along the paths of God, to see if there is a cure for his diabolical possessions...
TINY TINKER: (With great rhythm, speaking to himself as Tinker).
I know some words for exorcisms... Listen, Tinker, Tinker, cast the devil out of this little madman!
SCAR:
No, Tiny. You're the mad one. I know another remedy for the possessed by tremors... When I was a pimp in Andalusia, one girl... she would get St. Vitus' Dance and convulse all over... it wasn't the devil at all. It was because she didn't eat, I think... or because there were too many men... a doctor told me it's a disease that even kings get...
QUACK:
I must leave, (To Scar, who is watching him with wide eyes). Mr. Pimp, if you can get him some of those remedies against the convulsions, I will be infinitely grateful.
FRIAR BLUSH: (Rises weakly, looking at Quack with contempt).
Yes, yes, I heard you want to abandon me like a dog after treating me like a dog... I will stay here if you abandon me, you miserable friar-abandoning wretch... Begone and never return!
MAD NAN: (Strangely maternal).
You may spend the night here, my son. I promise not to lift my skirt and not to try to molest you.
TINY TINKER: (Affectionate with the Friar, in his own way).
I also promise not to molest you and to play no sword fights... (He laughs). Now, a joke, what did one cucumber say to the other cucumber...
SCAR: (Obscene).
I know that one: "It's time we talked man-to-man," ha ha...
TINY TINKER:
Ah, you're not so far off, Pimp, but no.
SCAR:
So, what did he say?
TINY TINKER: (Loses his mind even more).
Tinker, Tinker, you look like a polecat... Ha ha, hee hee... I have a joke, do you want to hear it...?
FRIAR BLUSH: (Interested in the joke, but still reluctant).
Well... And then what? What happened to the cucumbers? Did they fight, play sword fights, take a nap?
TINY TINKER:
Ah, I don't know that... I have a joke, do you want to hear it...?
FRIAR BLUSH: (Fed up with the situation. Rises determined to leave).
May the devil confound you and take you to hell, but not with me! I'm going to the richest city, where there are no madmen telling bad jokes or shameless women lifting their skirts! Farewell!
(The Friar walks away slowly, trying to retain his dignity.)
TINY TINKER: (Shouting his prophetic words, aimed especially at Friar BLUSH, who is still walking towards the exit).
I know the truths of the past and the future, Friar! (With prophetic delirium). In the past, clergymen married, and then the Pope took that privilege away...! In the future, epileptics will have a cure, and no one will think they are mad... as they do now! Medicines like opium and ergot fungi will be taken in pills and magical drops! Come into my arms, Friar Blush! I am the king! Handsome boy! I will care for you when your fits come, I will control your tongue... and Mad Nan will put lotion on your head and give you warm milk to calm you!
(Mad Nan gives Tiny Tinker a gentle pat on the backside. She then waves affectionately from her spot to Friar Blush, who, like a masterless dog, slowly returns, in need of tenderness and protection. They all hug him and welcome him into "their new home." SCAR joins the collective embrace. QUACK, realizing he is no longer in the "running," walks away SLOWLY AND SILENTLY into the background, looking back with contempt before disappearing.) (Quack's exit is solemn, contrasting with the chaos.)
SCAR: (Conciliatory).
There you see, my son! The mad and the poor always have a place for the most screwed up. I will get you the herbs, the fungi, and the ointments so you can sleep soundly. The priests' sanity is the true sickness. Our madness is honest.
MAD NAN:
Here you will have the safest spot. (Looks at the audience with a gesture of blessing). The madman will care for you, for he is the king; money will roll in... for it comes and goes... We will all wrap you up and care for you. Blessed are you among the poor madmen, and may you find the only peace in our place that the outside world would not give you! (She treats him like a baby, touching his forehead in a sign of blessing.)
(They continue their collective hug. Magnificent music, like Mozart's Requiem, is heard. The final action is slow, majestic, and in contrast to the previous chaos.)
Blackout.
