A Salad of Lunatics
The FARCE of the PHONY PHYSICIAN and the MADMEN of RHYTHM
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Dramatis Personae:
·MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: Unpredictable; wholly daft, yet deeply cultured. She can analyse and critique the most convoluted affairs with a dart’s precision.
·THE POX-PITTED: A rogue. A rhythmic "resonance box."
·DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: The archetypal quack-physician. His great paunch doth betray him as a glutton. He cares not for curing his patients, but for lining his pink piggy bank with coin.
·TINTIN THE SEER: A prophet, an illuminated soul, and a classic Fool, much like those of the Spanish Golden Age. He dictates the rhythm. He is the King of Chaos.
·RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: Father to Tintin the Seer. A phony hypochondriac, and as his name doth indicate, a stingy beggar.
Setting:
Any street corner, which is, in truth, a refuse pile. There is a large mahogany crate, sometimes used as a table. Rubbish bins, sundry junk… perhaps the effigy of a gossiping cat…
(As the farce begins, MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP and THE POX-PITTED sit upon broken garden chairs near the crate-table. DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER enters, clad in a clean, tight robe, bearing a pink piggy bank that doth proclaim him a grand collector of fees. Almost simultaneously, RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER enters, feigning a dog’s cough; he drags his son, TINTIN THE SEER, who doth kick and flail.)
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (With a squealing voice). Hark, my people! Hearken! I am Doctor Bovine Scammer, a living eminence of Modern Medicine! I perform bloodletting and poultices of snail cream for the ailments of the soul and the heart! Ah… and doubt it not: I charge dearly, most dearly!
THE POX-PITTED: (To MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP). Look, Chirp-Chirp! A Doctor as fat as his piggy bank!
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: He has no stethoscope, nor chamber pot, nor glass phial to examine the pissings! Alas, but he doth bring a coffer, to charge us for his worthless remedies.
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: (With a feigned whine; he truly desires the phony Doctor's attention). Oh, Doctor! I die! Examine my pissings! Place a snail poultice upon my gut! Smear on a snail poultice! Perform a bloodletting… (He speaks thus, attempting to dizzy the Doctor with much verbiage) Oh, but what a fine little pig… so pink, may I keep it? (He snatches the piggy bank from the Doctor)
TINTIN THE SEER: (He touches his father’s brow, and then the quack-Doctor’s head. Then, he takes the coffer from his father and returns it to the quack). My father, Scammer, is a liar! He is a thief of pigs and a deceiver of quacks.
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Scoffing at TINTIN THE SEER). Silence, boy! Let me tend to thy father, RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER, who, I know well, suffers the disease of greed. He is cheap and deceitful. (He snatches the purse from RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER, deposits a coin into his coffer, and keeps the purse clutched in his closed fist. With this wee coin I extract from his pouch, I prescribe an effective cure for his stingy sickness. Thou must recite three Pater Nosters, take exercise, eat fruit and greens… And thus shall his thieving and avarice depart. For now, I shall keep thy purse until thou turnest seventy and five…
THE POX-PITTED: (Laughing). The thief is the Doctor, himself, the knave! He charges first and then, quoth he, prescribes later… And the fat old man has kept his purse.
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: Ah, yes, thou wretched fat old man… macaroni! Prithee, Doctor Bovine Scammer! Explain, and dare not charge me with thy godly airs as though visiting Earth. Tell me: Why do bloated physicians such as thyself only think to thrust money into their pink pigs and not to cure their patients of ill-will?
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Haughtily). I wish not to sound like a condescending eminence, but my studies and experience are worth every word that issues from my mouth. And nay, I am not God descended to Earth, but near enough… It is the Law of Nature! But zounds, I can also be most generous, as thou shalt soon observe, lunatic woman. (To RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER). I shall give thee other remedies against thy shameful ills, free of charge.
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: (As crazed as his son). I see thee, Doctor… Thou wouldst keep my purse! Thou art more abusive than a goat! Nay, give it back!
TINTIN THE SEER: (Leaps and points at the Doctor). A goat! Aye, aye, he is an unrestrained goat… He unrestrainedly keeps all the money of the poor… of the poor patients… Thou, Master SCAMMER, art a phony Doctor Bovine Scammer… Thou knowest only how to ask questions, but givest no answers… Does it hurt thee, does it burn thee, does it itch thee… Thou art like a night vermin… Tintin, tintan, tontin… I travel by metro… It is a train yet uninvented and it never halts… It is subterranean and it is orange, pink, green, and blue like the metropolises of the future… Tun-Tun! Tintin-Tantan!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Shouting). Now those are truly ravings! A prophecy of the future is undeniable proof of a disease incurable! Trains not yet invented cannot travel beneath the Earth's center. (Pause: the Doctor becomes serious.) Sir father of TINTIN THE SEER: Thy son must be taken to the SHIP OF FOOLS. I can charge thee to procure a ticket… Nay, I mean, I can help thee gain admittance to the SHIP, ah, but I shall keep thy purse, that I demand.
THE POX-PITTED: (Comical laughter). I have an ancient jest for thee, so-called Doctor! Why doth the starving poet always have a clean head?
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: Thou likest me not. Be silent.
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: I do wish to hear the jest. Why do the desolate roller skates have their ears shorn? Why?
THE POX-PITTED: Because the only louse remaining upon his head died of such hunger!
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: Ah, I wish thee to investigate my pissings, Doctor… And dare not charge me! (She pulls out a phial with a yellow, frothy liquid). Here it is! The Madcap’s Jar! Universal and free of charge! Examine my urine!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Looks at the phial with disgust). I examine no filth! I am a professional! Well, there now!
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: (He lifts his sleeve and shows his fist to the Doctor) Ah! Well, as a physician, thou art bound to examine the woman’s urine, aye or nay. Art thou a piss-examining doctor or not? And thou hadst best return my purse, or I shall keep thy little pig!
(RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER grabs DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER’S arm and applies an “arm-lock,” bending his arm as wrestlers do.)
TINTIN THE SEER: (Excited by the unleashed violence, he kicks and shouts with a rhythm that cannot be ignored). I am the King! Avarice never changes! Tin-ti-tin-ton-tan-tan! Tin-ti-tin-ton-tan-tan!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (He pulls a modern metal whistle and blows it without ceasing. All cover their ears). Enough! I am the victim here! See ye not how ye have offended me, ungrateful wretches… Ye have made me lose patience, and I shall not cure ye with my grand and wise remedies! Miserable poor fools!
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: (Sardonic, to the rhythm of TINTIN THE SEER). Miserable fool art thou, so fat, so pink-coffer, so little pig!
THE POX-PITTED: (With mime, beating the heavy rhythm of the Seer). He is Porker: Boom-boom-boom! Little Porker: BOOMBOOMBOOM!
(DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER attempts to flee. TINTIN THE SEER howls, and his father attempts to soothe him, but his madness is so great that he leaps and runs at the Doctor and beats him, giving rhythmic slaps to the Doctor’s head, as though it were a drum. The Doctor cannot believe it and screams without pause.)
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: This is intolerable, intolerable! Ahhh, I shall charge ye until the year 2075… Ye are indebted to me, louts, wretches!
TINTIN THE SEER: (He responds to the provocation with a quick rhythm, slapping the Doctor not only upon the head, but also upon his great paunch). Louts-wretches-Tin-tin-ton! Louts-wretches-Tin-tin-ton!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Shouting, leaping comically, as though that might halt TINTIN THE SEER’S assault). Ouch! My mind! My brain! It hurts me, it stings me, it burns me... He is mad! This youth is mad, he must be taken to the Ship of Fools, I shall take him, and for free, but now! Let him not beat me further! (He escapes the beating in slow motion, but TINTIN THE SEER pursues him. The other characters raise their arms and sway their hips. It is a delirious scene).
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: (He joins the pursuit, attempting to grab DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER). Come hither, devil! Thieving Doctor! Return my purse!
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: (She shakes her phial as though it were a crystal snow-globe. She follows the rhythm of TINTIN THE SEER). Urine is not water! The louse begs for bread! The century is not round! I want Superman!
THE POX-PITTED: (Beating his chest with rhythm). I want Superman-BAM-BAM! I want Superman-BAM-BAM! And who is Superman? I know not. And who is Superman? I know not.
(The action becomes a choreographed farce by the rhythm of TINTIN THE SEER and THE POX-PITTED BAMBAM: TINTIN THE SEER taps DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER’S head (with the words titi tin tin ton). The Doctor leaps from his position on the stage with arms raised in exaggerated terror. RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER (Makes tan tan tan tan). And he stoops, then stands erect and raises his arms. MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP hits her own head with much grace and rhythm. All is a rhythmic delirium, perhaps supported by percussions like bass drums or timpani.)
TINTIN THE SEER: (He snatches the Doctor’s little pig and places it upon his head, making a final turn with the highest rhythm.) TIN-TON-TAN-TAN! I am the Chief! TIN-TON-TAN-TAN! I am the Chief! Give me my father's purse.
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: Nay, nay.
TINTIN THE SEER: Give me my father's purse.
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: Give me my purse, old rogue!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: Nay, nay.
RUMBLE-BELLY SCRIMPER: Aye, aye.
ALL: Ah, give it to him, give it to him now!
(DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER, weary, attempts to flee, but now MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP applies the “arm-lock,” and he is forced to yield, sitting defeated upon the crate-table, with crocodile tears.)
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Surrendering). I yield! Ye are mad, all of ye! Keep my little pig and my money, which I earned lawfully. I depart! To seek new innocents! I go to find other patients!
(DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER leaves the pig and the purse upon the table and attempts to flee once more, but THE POX-PITTED blocks his path and ties his hands with a rope.)
THE POX-PITTED: Ah, thou shalt not simply depart… Thou must apologise to all of us.
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: All is too many folk… I did naught to thee…
THE POX-PITTED: Thou hast betrayed thyself, brother… "I did naught to thee" means thou didst something to someone!
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: Very well, thou speakest truly. I offer ye a sincere apology.
TINTIN THE SEER: I believe him not. Let him sing, let him sing, and then shall we believe him. Let him sing.
ALL: We believe him not. Let him sing, let him sing, and then shall we believe him. Let him sing.
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (He sings in a truly awful manner) I sing, I sing, perchance ye shall believe me, and I offer an apology, an apology I offer… Forgive me now!
TINTIN THE SEER: Shall we forgive him?
ALL: Aye!
TINTIN THE SEER: Shall we forgive him?
ALL: NAY!
TINTIN THE SEER: Shall we forgive him?
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: Ah, enough, thou art pardoned, but prithee, never, never again shalt thou sing.
TINTIN THE SEER: That is not fair. I shall ensure he learns to sing… but thou must pledge thyself, Doctor. Dost thou pledge?
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: Of course, I do.
TINTIN THE SEER: Dost thou pledge?
DOCTOR BOVINE SCAMMER: (Sings very in tune) I swear, I swear, I swear. I promise to sing… for all of ye… A beautiful song… and from the bottom of my heartnnn…
THE POX-PITTED: Ah, how lovely, he is a good doctor, I like him well.
TINTIN THE SEER: And I as well.
ALL: And I as well.
MADCAP CHIRP-CHIRP: (To the audience). Behold! The finest cure and the best remedy for all ills is the music of the heart, which issues forth, without a doubt, from… a most well-seasoned Salad of Lunatics!
THE POX-PITTED: (Adjusting his clothes). Music, my Chirp-Chirp. Let the dance commence!
(All laugh and dance a rhythmic and most joyful cumbia. Blackout. All take their final bow.)
The End
