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An Interlude: The Water Must Not Be Lacking
Characters:
Rul: A young lad.
Doña G.: The youngsters' aunt.
Neighbor: A presumptuous and boastful man.
(Audience): The spectators of the play.
(The action takes place in a courtyard, a space that alludes to the old Spanish "Corral de Comedias." The stage has some references to Cervantes's time, but also with objects that place us in our own reality, such as a modern faucet, a long garden hose, and an old cell phone. The costumes allude to the era but with mistaken or anachronistic pieces from our own time).
1: The Wasted Water
(Anita)
(Sneering)
What so great a task doth Rul perform, Auntie? 'Tis nigh on two hours he's been cloistered in the wash-room!
(Doña G.)
(Sanctimonious, a blabbermouth)
Good heavens! Let the devil not find him on his path, for I could tell thee tales of what was said of him in days of old.
(Anita)
(Wicked)
Doth he scrub the crusts from his face 'til his very skull doth gleam, like a fresh-faced, hale lad of the morning?
(Doña G.)
(Gossiping)
Not even close, my girl! What he was doing is a thing that nature doth not permit a fair and tender maid such as thee to even fathom.
(Anita)
(Obscene, yet playful)
Ah, I know! He doth rub and scrub himself 'til he doth scream as if a butcher's lad. Ahhhhhh!
(Doña G.)
(Feigning caution)
More or less, Anita, but hold thy tongue, for 'tis a delicate matter.
(Anita)
(Gossip-monger)
The lads from the block speak of naught else. But they enter not the wash-room; they use hoses upon their carriages. I have heard them, "Scrub 'til you drop," they say.
(Doña G.)
(Scandalized)
And that is to say quite enough! Hold thy tongue, devil's child! In my days as a maiden, one would not dare to conceive of such unseemly actions.
(Anita)
(Shameless)
But if he doth no harm, Auntie, I...
(Doña G.)
(Changing the subject abruptly)
Hold! Tell me of this Rul. Do ye mean to say he doth not leave the cistern?
(Anita)
He taketh the water from the cistern, leaving us without a tank, without a basin, without the very wellspring of our resources. He hath been locked in that room for more than three hours, and naught but a foul, sudsy, and very black water flows out.
(Doña G.)
He must be washing his tunic, his cloak, and his badges from the college choir. And, as vain as he is, he must waste all the water on each gold button, each tassel, each yellow, blue, and green ribbon! Ah, I recall thy uncle's serenades in the Tuna band of San Tormes! Such a grand and gallant sight!
(Anita)
Yes, Auntie, you have told me of it a thousand times! Doth it not anger thee that he wastes all the water? This Rul will bring us to ruin, to starvation, to desperation! We shall surely thirst!
(Doña G.)
Is there no more water for drinking?
(Anita)
And more than that! Naught for the privy, naught for washing the vegetables, naught for scrubbing the floors and windows, naught for bathing on Tuesdays for sorrowful matters, and on Wednesdays for sundry fortunes!
(Doña G.)
Enough! I must make this young boy understand that he must stop, or he will bring us to ruin.
(Anita)
But he would not listen to me just four hours ago...
(At that moment, a Neighbor enters, wearing fine silk clothes stained with mud. He sprays water with a long, thick hose at a perfectly clean cart, singing with an exaggerated voice.)
(Neighbor)
(Singing)
Oh, my fine carriage, so bright and so fair,
With this hose, so long, I do cleanse it with care!
(Doña G.)
(With a face of disapproval)
Oh, Neighbor! What poor use you make of this gift from heaven!
(Neighbor)
Why, not at all! 'Tis I who pay for it! And I have a hose so grand it looks like a boa! 'Tis the kind that Rul fancies, for certain!
(Anita)
(To Doña G., in a low voice)
Auntie, the lads from the block spoke of the very same!
(Doña G.)
(Turning to the audience, outraged)
We shall not permit this abuse! Come, all you pious souls! Chant with me! Shut that faucet!
(Anita)
(To the audience)
Let them hear us! He's wasting water, he's wasting!
(Doña G.)
Waste not the water, you lewd and abusive old man!
(Neighbor)
(Frightened by the chorus, he tries to justify his actions)
But... but... I am only cleaning...
(Anita)
Shut it off, for it's gushing!
(Doña G. and the audience chant once more, until the Neighbor, in a fright, drops his hose and flees).
2. The Song Duel
(Music from a mariachi band begins to play, as if from nowhere. Rul enters the scene, soaked to the bone, with a cell phone in his hand, recording a video. He glares at Anita, while she looks at him with scorn. Both prepare to sing, as in a musical contest).
(Anita)
I know you're still a pig,
and you mock me with a laugh.
You spend your time on your hair,
ignoring a dry well's path.
(Rul)
I'm not a pig, but you're a cow,
you're a pain, and I can't stand you now.
I'm a happy pig, it's true,
but it's because I'm not like you!
(Anita)
You are a brute, a thoughtless fool,
You throw the water just to be cruel,
and you leave the cistern dead.
(Rul)
You call me names like "pig" and "slob",
but you are a chicken, without a soul,
a sow who hides behind a sob,
and loses all control.
(ANITA)
Oh, you're an ass.
(RUL)
Ah, well, you're a chicken.
(ANITA)
Moron,
(Rul)
empty-headed.
(ANITA)
How dare you?
(Rul)
You better shut up.
(ANITA)
Shut up, you silly
(Rul)
caterpillar face.
(ANITA)
Ah, your centipede face.
(Rul)
Oh, yeah.
(ANITA)
Did it hurt
(Rul)
Of course not.
(ANITA)
Oh, well.
3: LATER...
The Judgment of Water
(Rul)
(Putting his phone away)
What are these shouts? Silence, I say! You have interrupted my broadcast!
(Doña G.)
Hang your broadcast! You are about to leave us without water!
(Rul)
'Tis naught but Anita's lies! She only wishes for the tub for herself.
(Anita)
(Approaching with a comb from which she pulls a hair)
What lies! I am not of thy kind! Look, Auntie, every time Rul uses the basin, he leaves it full of monkey hairs, and I am the one who must cleanse this filth!
(Rul)
See? She doth betray herself! Auntie, she bathes her entire body and then claims all the water for herself.
(Anita)
Filthy pig!
(Rul)
Slut!
(Doña G.)
Enough! I say to both of you that you have abused these aquatic gifts! And if you do not stop insulting each other, I shall give you a punishment.
(Anita and Rul)
(Meekly)
Yes, Auntie.
(Doña G.)
As a punishment, thou, Rul, shalt wash all the family's clothes, not just thine own, and thou shalt do it but once every fortnight.
(Rul)
What dost thou say, Auntie? I? I in that... that metal washing-contraption? 'Tis too great a punishment!
(Doña G.)
And I say it well! And thou, Anita, shalt bathe in the tub but once every six months.
(Anita)
(Horrified)
Nay, Auntie! I shall reek!
(Rul)
(With a smirk)
She speaks the truth, Auntie! She'll smell like a monkey's rump!
(Doña G.)
(To Anita)
I said in the tub! Thou mayest bathe with a sponge, with water that you collect from the rain.
(Rul)
And what of thee, Auntie? Thou shalt not wash? And thy knickers, Auntie, must I wash those, too?
(Doña G.)
Enough of these foul words!
(Rul)
And thy Lycra, too! And thy large bras! Listen, Auntie! Do not run away! (To the audience) What women!
END
