What I Think and What I Say
The comedy of asides
By Ben Gavarré
This work has been published for free and open dissemination, although all intellectual property rights are reserved. The public use of this work requires the author's permission and in order to obtain the corresponding authorization contact bengavarre@gmail.com or gavarreunam@gmail.com (Reg. Prop. Int. Expte. Inbox)
Characters
- Violet:
- A woman who presents herself as a "queen" with a stuck-up demeanor. While she appears dignified and somewhat cold in public, her monologues reveal a selfish and malicious side. She enjoys feeling superior but, deep down, she has a "morbid" curiosity and a hidden desire for the unconventional. She is the first to express her indignation at the "indecency" of others, but eventually accepts her own depravity.
- Jonah:
- A man who appears stoic and exhausted, pushing a boat. His internal monologues describe him as full of frustration and a desire to punish Violet for her attitude. He is prone to absurd and unexpected actions, such as pulling out soup from nowhere and dressing as a gondolier, which makes him a mysterious and somewhat ridiculous character. He sees himself as a "superior being" on a journey.
- Alfred:
- A man who presents himself as "Peter Pan," childish and in need of attention. His monologues show a need to be humiliated and a desire to feel loved through dependency. He enjoys provoking Lucretia and likes the feeling of being admired. He considers himself "useless," but uses his vulnerability to manipulate others and get what he wants.
- Lucretia:
- A woman who behaves like an "exhausted" therapist or a mother figure. Her monologue reveals she is tired of being the one who solves problems and wishes for a man who will take care of her and give her pleasure, instead of one who constantly needs her. She is torn between her professional role and a repressed sexual desire, feeling "indecent" and "a slut" for her impulses.
- Mr. Gale:
- A mysterious character who bursts onto the scene to expose the hypocrisy of the others. He acts as a sort of ringmaster or purgatorial deity, forcing the characters to confront their true nature. He is cynical, direct, and unafraid to call out their "shitty morals," showing them that their "bourgeois shame" is the only thing holding them back. He reveals himself as an extremely fat, old man covered in moles, whose appearance challenges the very conventions of decency the characters so loudly protest.
Act I
Scene I: The Boat of Shame
The stage is dimly lit. As the lights come up, we see Violet sitting in a prop sailboat, with her beach umbrella open. Jonah is beside her, in the water up to his ankles, pushing the boat with a broom handle. He looks exhausted; she looks expressionless.
Violet
(Aloud)
If you want, I’ll get out.
(Violet’s monologue)
Please, let him not say yes! Let him keep pushing. I love feeling like a queen. I hope he gets a cramp. Let's see how philosophical he gets with a swollen testicle.
Jonah
(Aloud, out of breath)
No, no. We're almost at the shore.
(Jonah’s monologue)
My God. If this woman doesn’t shut up, I'm going to hit her on the head with this stick. I'm going to leave her on this abandoned beach.
(Jonah bends down, pulls a plate of fish soup out of nowhere, climbs onto the edge of the boat, and starts to eat. Violet looks at him, stunned.)
Violet
(Aloud)
What is that?
(Violet’s monologue)
Gross! So freaking gross! Fish! Seriously? I hope I get indigestion and vomit all over his shoes.
Jonah
(Aloud)
Grandma’s soup. My mom gave it to me. Want some?
(Jonah’s monologue)
She’s holding back her vomit. Good! She deserves it! She wanted a mysterious man, well here he is. Now I’m going to leave her speechless.
(Jonah jumps up, takes off his street clothes, revealing a gondolier’s outfit with a striped shirt and shorts. Violet looks at him, astonished, her face turning red with indignation.)
Violet
Jonah, no! What's wrong with you? What are you doing?
(Violet’s monologue)
No, no! This is too much. They're going to see us. How embarrassing! And yet, I feel a morbid curiosity... I still think he looks ridiculous, but... what would it feel like to have him give me a ride like this!
Jonah
(Aloud)
I'm going to give you a ride! A ride of love!
(Jonah bends down and, where Violet’s legs are, starts to row with his hands while smiling maliciously. She looks at him and, suddenly, a wicked smile appears on her face. She takes a spoonful of the fish soup and threatens him with it. He looks scared. Violet stands up and empties the plate of soup on top of him. Jonah is petrified.)
Violet
(Aloud)
And now, for being indecent, to the shore!
(Violet gets out of the boat. Jonah, with the soup dripping, is left alone, motionless in the water.)
(Blackout.)
Scene II: The Station of the Absurd
The light reveals Alfred and Lucretia sitting on a train station bench. He is playing with a ball of yarn. She looks at him with the eyes of an exhausted therapist.
Alfred
(Aloud)
So? Are we still in therapy?
(Alfred’s monologue)
How stupid am I! Of course, we're in therapy! This is the fucking therapy! I need her to yell at me, to humiliate me. Only then will I feel loved.
Lucretia
(Aloud)
Depends. Who’s on the couch?
(Lucretia’s monologue)
Damn it! Peter Pan. He always runs away. What a humiliation! I want a man to give me a massage. To give me a hug. An orgasm! Please, an orgasm.
(Alfred gets up and sits on Lucretia’s lap, puts the ball of yarn in her hand, and starts to purr like a cat. Lucretia looks at him with wide eyes.)
Alfred
(In a childish voice)
You know you like to be needed.
(Alfred’s monologue)
Take that, bitch! I hit her where it hurts. She likes to be needed. And I am the neediest. I have her in my hands.
(Alfred abruptly pulls away, stands on the bench, and with a conspiratorial look, starts to unbutton his shirt. Lucretia is surprised, but on her face is a mixture of desire and disgust. Alfred notices her look and gets more excited. The desire to be admired is the greatest of his aphrodisiacs.)
Alfred
(In a deeper voice)
Want me to give you a striptease?
(Lucretia’s monologue)
Yes! Yes, I do! Shit! This is what I’ve been waiting for! No. No. How disgusting! He’s my client. He’s my man. How indecent! But… Oh, God! What a body he has. I want to grope him. To touch him. To touch it all! How embarrassing! What a slut I am!
(Alfred takes off his shirt. Lucretia, unable to control herself, reaches out and touches his pectoral. Alfred looks at her with indignation.)
Alfred
(Aloud)
Barbarian! How dare you?
(Alfred’s monologue)
Yes! I did it! She groped me! How hot I am! How hot she is! Oh, how good. I’m going to rub it in her face. She’s a depraved woman! And I am more so!
(Suddenly, a toy train enters and moves across the stage. Alfred gets off the bench. He gets into the train and starts it. The train disappears with a whistle. Lucretia is left alone, with her hand in the air, petrified by what she has just done.)
(Blackout.)
Act II
Scene III: The Purgatory Reunion
The light reveals the four characters sitting at a bar-buffet. Jonah in his gondolier outfit, Violet with her umbrella. Alfred, in a corner, with a flushed face, and Lucretia, staring into space. There is a tense silence.
Violet
If you want, I’ll go get a martini.
(Violet’s monologue)
These two are weirdos. A gondolier? A child? Is there no one normal? An accountant? A doctor? A... veterinarian?
Jonah
(Aloud)
No. I'll get a coffee.
(Jonah’s monologue)
These people are torture. Martinis? Coffee? Please! We are superior beings, aren't we? We're on a journey!
Alfred
(Aloud)
I need a rum and coke.
(Alfred’s monologue)
A rum and coke! The fucking rum and coke! That's what I need. And a dog. Or a cat. Or something that isn't these people. I'm useless!
Lucretia
(Aloud, without looking at anyone)
Does anyone want some chamomile tea?
(Lucretia’s monologue)
How embarrassing! Chamomile tea? I’m tired of being the mother. The psychologist. The one who solves problems. I want a real man!
(A man with a briefcase, dressed in a cheap office suit, approaches the table and sits down uninvited. He is Mr. Gale. He stops, looks at them, takes a megaphone, and lets out a shout that freezes the scene.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
Stop! Halt! It's over! The truth must come out!
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
We're going to play a game. We're going to take off a piece of clothing for every truth you tell each other.
(Mr. Gale unbuckles a shoe. Lucretia, with eyes full of desire, takes off her jacket. Alfred, his sock. Jonah, his striped shirt.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
You! (He points at Violet)
What do you think of this ridiculous pair?
Violet
(Aloud)
I think they are two losers.
(Violet’s monologue)
Finally! I finally got to tell them!
(Alfred takes off his other sock. Lucretia takes off her belt. Jonah, his trench coat.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
You! (He points at Alfred)
What do you think of your woman’s face?
Alfred
(Aloud)
I think she has the face of a bitter grandmother.
(Alfred’s monologue)
Yes! Yes, I said it! I said it to her face.
(Lucretia, who has already taken off her belt, puts it around her neck as if to hang herself.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
You! (He points at Lucretia)
What do you think of your little man?
Lucretia
(Aloud)
I think he’s a cowardly brat, who spends his time seeking the approval of others, but who doesn't dare to say he loves me.
(Lucretia’s monologue)
I told him! I told him! I love him! And I hate him! But at least I said it.
(Alfred unbuttons his pants and is left in his boxers. Jonah takes off his shorts and is left in superhero briefs.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
And me! I'm sick of you all! Of your falsehood! Of your shitty morals! Go to hell! Life is a comedy!
(Mr. Gale takes off his suit, revealing that he is an extremely fat, old man covered in moles, and the laughter dies on the four of them. They are petrified, and their monologues are of disgust and mockery.)
Alfred
(Aloud)
He's indecent!
Lucretia
(Aloud)
How embarrassing!
Violet
(Aloud)
This is unacceptable! He’s forcing us to do things we don't want to!
Jonah
(Aloud)
Let’s call the police!
(Monologues of the four, furious)
How dare this old man! This is abuse! We are decent people! Morals and good customs! How disgusting! How indecent! Our values! Our dignity! Everything we’ve worked for! And now this pervert! He should get the hell out of here! Go to hell!
(Mr. Gale looks at them with a smile of absolute malice. He points a finger at them.)
Mr. Gale
(Aloud)
Ah! So morals and decency? So indecent? No, no! I am not the indecent one. You are. Because you are dying to do everything I asked you to. But your bourgeois shame and shitty morals are stronger than your desire. Now, please, continue. I'm tired.
(Mr. Gale sits down in a chair and takes out a plate of popcorn, watching them. The four of them remain motionless. Slowly, the anger turns into nervous laughter. They laugh at themselves. They hug each other. They kiss.)
Violet
(Pointing at Jonah)
I always suspected you were a closet gondolier.
Jonah
(Pointing at Violet)
And you, the queen of fish soup.
Alfred
(To Lucretia)
You're a depraved old woman, and you know what? I'm dying for it.
Lucretia
(To Alfred)
And you’re a cowardly brat, but you turn me on like no one else.
Violet
(Addressing the audience)
Life is a comedy, friends. The worst part is when you don't understand it.
Jonah
(Addressing the audience)
And the best, when you stop being a freaking actor.
Lucretia
(Addressing the audience)
Or when you decide the show is worth it.
Alfred
(Addressing the audience, with a huge smile)
And all of you! You bitter old fools! What are you looking at!
(Mr. Gale laughs uproariously. The four characters hug each other as the curtain slowly falls.)
(Final blackout.)
