MARTIANS AT UCLA
THE PRANKSTER PRANKED
By Gavarre Benjamin
© BENJAMÍN GAVARRE SILVA
Contact this address if you have produced it or wish to do so: gavarreunam@gmail.com
"Martians at UCLA" is a fast-paced, witty college comedy about who really holds the upper hand on campus. Leo and Ben, two lazy undergrads looking for a quick laugh and social media fame, design what they think is the ultimate prank to humiliate Professor Harrington: a fake "alien encounter" in the dark, isolated bushes near Parking Structure 4. Armed with cheap special effects and a cellphone camera, they push the strict linguistics professor to his limits. However, in the game of campus wits, decades of academic experience might just have the ultimate counter-prank ready. A hilarious story proving that the oldest fox always knows the newest tricks.
MARTIANS AT UCLA
THE PRANKSTER PRANKED
SCENE I
SETTING: An outdoor hallway on the UCLA campus. Dusk.
(PROFESSOR HARRINGTON walks in, dragging a leather rolling briefcase overflowing with heavy textbooks, his travel coffee mug, and a container with his dinner).
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Unbelievable. Three hours explaining Shakespearean syntax, and those kids stared at me as if I were a Star Wars hologram. God, I wish I only taught graduate school. Undergrads look like high schoolers—what am I saying, middle schoolers! And I am starving... Well, at least I’m out. I need to get to my car before the freeway traffic turns into a parking lot. Or before some student catches me with a last-minute request... One of these days, a student is going to sneak into my home shower just to hand in a late essay. And all that just to hope for a passing C grade. They are the epitome of mediocrity.
(ENTER LEO, walking slowly, staring at the concrete floor, feigning deep anguish).
LEO:
I don’t know... I don’t know what to do. What if I sell it on Craigslist? No, they might rob me at the meetup spot. What if I rent it out for a party at Frat Row? Or maybe I should just keep it and become a millionaire on social media...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Annoyed, without stopping)
Leo. Please. I know you’ve been following me all the way from the Humanities building, even if you’re walking three paces behind me… I can smell your desperation. You smell like you’re about to ask for another extension on your homework. Don't waste my time with your existential crises; it's already late.
LEO:
Professor! I'm so glad I caught you. You’re exactly who I was looking for. See... I have something incredibly valuable in my possession, seriously, very cool, and I don’t know what to do. It’s wild, I swear.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Keeps walking toward the parking lot)
Leo, I know you. I'm sure this is another one of your scams. Did you already forget last semester when you wasted forty minutes of my time trying to sell me an "exotic wingless butterfly" that turned out to be a Chinese buffet shrimp coated in lacquer?
LEO:
It was a taxidermy butterfly, Professor! A collector's item. That was a misunderstanding; I got ripped off at the flea market too. But today’s thing is real. It’s mysterious and dangerous, but worth a fortune. I’d show you right here, but there are too many students and security cameras around. Why don't you come with me out back, by the dark bushes leading to Structure 4? Near the big trees where the campus lights don't reach.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Stops dead in his tracks and looks at him, narrowing his eyes)
Behind the campus hill? In the daytime, it’s a lovely green area to read, but at this hour of the night, it looks like the backdrop of a serial killer movie. There’s a huge difference, young man. That’s where wild raccoons attack people. Are you trying to mug me for my wallet or what?
LEO:
Oh, Professor, come on! If you want, I’ll just give it to you. Simply because you’re my favorite teacher.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Interested but maintaining his intellectual stance)
Uh-huh... Well... let’s not exaggerate. But I’m sure it’s nonsense. Stop wasting my time; my stomach is growling.
LEO:
Just listen to how I found it. I was walking through a dense forest, thick with heavy fog...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
You are in West Los Angeles, Leo. There are only palm trees, squirrels, and the marine layer coming off the Santa Monica coast. You are not in the Amazon.
LEO:
Well, in the bushes behind the library, then. But it was right next to a pile of decomposing organic waste...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
A pile of garbage?
LEO:
Rotting trash, Professor! The weird thing is, it was glowing with a fluorescent green light, and then it would turn off. Boom! Glow and turn off.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Scooffs)
Oh, Leo. It glows and turns off... It must be a garden firefly, genius. You got scared by a simple insect.
LEO:
It wasn't an insect; it was much bigger, and it moved on its own, as if it had its own artificial intelligence.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
I know, an old animatronic doll discarded from a Hollywood studio. And did it talk too?
LEO:
Yes! It talked, how did you know? I said, "Ugly doll, you're an idiot"... and the damn thing tried to be funny and repeated the exact same thing back to me in my own voice: "Ugly doll, you're an..."
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Enough, enough, I get it. It must be a cheap toy with a clearance voice-recording chip. Once the battery dies, it’ll be completely useless. It’s cheap internet junk... that’s why it ended up in the trash.
LEO:
And how do you explain the green light coming out of its mouth?
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Well, that’s just the design of the damn toy. Sometimes they have LED lights in their eyes, sometimes in their mouth... like a knockoff Buzz Lightyear.
LEO:
Professor...! Don't tell me you like Toy Story! You, so serious, such a distinguished scholar of Applied Linguistics.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
That is precisely why I am well-acquainted with slang and pop culture in this country, Leo. I don’t live under a rock in the desert. But you’re acting way too mysterious... Why?
LEO:
Because... I found it really bizarre that its head spun a full three-hundred-and-sixty degrees, and it stretched out its robotic arms for me to pick it up. And then, when it answered a direct question, that’s when I actually got goosebumps.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
What do you mean it answered you? Now you're just making up sci-fi stories.
LEO:
For real. It stared right at me and said, "I need a trustworthy adult with a tenured university position and a good credit score to come save me, because my ship crashed upon entering Earth's atmosphere."
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Feigning a mix of bewilderment and suspicion)
You’re pulling my leg. Either this is a cruel fraternity prank... or you’ve truly lost your mind from sleep deprivation.
LEO:
No, Professor. I agreed to meet him right now at eight o'clock, out back, by the dark trees of Structure 4. Come on... At this hour, there are no campus security guards around that area; it’s completely deserted.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Looks at his watch, feigning nervousness)
Look... it’s not that I believe you. It's just that you must be hallucinating from drinking too many energy drinks. But... let’s take a quick walk, just so you can calm down and stop bothering me. But first, let me stop by my car to drop off these heavy books in my backpack.
LEO: (As the professor opens his car trunk)
Professor, you do know that digital textbooks and cloud servers exist now, right?
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
So you can all just copy and paste on your screens? Or worse... so you can let an Artificial Intelligence write your essays? No way. Shut up and walk.
LEO:
Copying from AI? Never, Professor, never... well, maybe...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Walk!
(They both exit toward the darkness).
SCENE II
SETTING: The back of the campus, near Structure 4. An area surrounded by weeping willows, wild ivy bushes, and brick walls. It is pitch black. The wind from the Santa Monica coast blows hard through the branches. The place is completely deserted.
(ENTER: PROFESSOR HARRINGTON, lighting the path with his iPhone’s flashlight, and LEO).
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Trembling exaggeratedly, feigning panic)
Let’s see, Leo... Are you absolutely sure its skin was fluorescent green? You didn’t mention that when we were back in the hallway.
LEO:
Yes, Professor. Glowing green, with huge, bulging eyes, like a deer caught in headlights.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Terribly frightened, overacting)
Oh, my goodness... It could be an actual extraterrestrial creature... Heaven protect us.
LEO:
You know what, Professor? I think you already knew them. They’re like from your era, right? From back when you were in college in the eighties.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Quiet, Leo! Look! Those ivy branches moved. And that is not the coastal wind. Something or someone is watching us from the bushes. This is madness, we should head back to the lit area.
(From inside the bushes, a voice distorted by a toy megaphone echoes).
VOICE OVER:
¡Leeeooo... Leeeooo! Did you bring the trustworthy senior citizen with a good credit score that we asked for?
LEO: (Feigning terror, hiding behind the professor’s corduroy jacket)
Oh, no way! Professor, it spoke to me! And it said "we asked"! There are multiple ones, it's a freaking invasion!
VOICE OVER:
We are one and we are thousands... We know who flunks students on their essays just for fun...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Faking absolute terror, dropping dramatically to his knees on the grass)
Leo, this has gone too far! This is a cosmic punishment! They want to set me up to record me with your phones, and I’m going to go viral on TikTok. I don’t want to be a viral meme, Leo, I'm warning you! My academic reputation on the West Coast has cost me decades of work!
LEO:
Professor, look! Something flew right over your head!
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
I didn’t see anything, you’re hallucinating!
LEO:
It buzzed like a giant hornet, I swear on my life.
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
A freaking drone! Or a bat! I didn’t see a single thing!
(Suddenly, a bright green light illuminates the bushes from below).
LEO: (Adopting a mystical tone and voice)
Professor, look at that celestial light! A quantum portal just opened in the tree. Everything in there is wonderful... it’s outer space, it’s Malibu with no traffic, Professor... It’s calling me... it tells me it’s my destiny. I have to go. If the dean asks for me, tell her I went to a better place. Not the cemetery, a better cosmic plane... you explain it to her. Thanks for everything, you were a great teacher, a great prof...
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
Leo, don’t be an idiot! Don’t go into the bushes! Stay here with me, don’t leave me alone in the dark! Leo!!
LEO:
I can’t, Professor. My planet needs me. I’ve been chosen. Goodbye!
(Leo walks gracefully, taking exaggerated slow-motion strides toward the green light. A sound like an old camera flash is heard, and the light shuts off completely. Everything falls into absolute silence).
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Feigning absolute panic)
Oh, my God! What on earth was that... I have just witnessed a real alien abduction... Leo? Leo!! This can’t be happening! No, no, no... Surely they’re coming for me next, and they’ll want to dissect me in their spaceship or harvest my organs... I have to save myself!
(The Professor runs with his travel mug in hand, limping exaggeratedly toward the brightly lit campus and screaming like a madman. He vanishes from the stage).
(Three seconds later, LEO and his sidekick BEN emerge from the bushes carrying a flashlight wrapped in green cellophane, an old studio flash, and a Bluetooth speaker. They are laughing hysterically, barely able to breathe, high-fiving each other).
LEO: (Lying on the grass, dying of laughter)
We did it, Ben! Did you hear him scream? The old man dropped to his knees like he was in a horror movie! “It must be cheap internet garbage,” the know-it-all used to say... "I don’t want to be a viral meme!" Hahaha... He swallowed it hook, line, and sinker! It was epic!
BEN: (Celebrating silently, fist-bumping Leo and showing him his iPhone screen)
It’s brilliant, Leo! The video looks amazing. But I just hope we don’t get busted if this video spreads across the department...
LEO:
Oh, come on, Ben, don’t be a coward like the professor! Listen... Tomorrow I’m going to blackmail him with an anonymous text: "Either you give me a perfect 'A' in the class, or this video goes straight to the university meme pages." (Looking at the phone screen) He looks so ridiculous... We’re going to break the algorithm, seriously. Oh, Professor, honestly...
(Suddenly, a deafening, metallic, and piercing sound cuts the students' laughter short. It is the dreaded siren of a UCPD (University of California Police Department) patrol car echoing through the area, followed by the static of a high-powered loudspeaker).
VOICE OVER SPEAKER (OFF): (A gruff, authoritative voice with an official American law enforcement accent)
"ATTENTION, STUDENTS. THIS IS CAMPUS SECURITY / UCPD. YOU ARE IN A RESTRICTED AREA AFTER HOURS. YOU HAVE BEEN SPOTTED BY SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS COMMITTING ACTS OF EXTORTION, TRESPASSING, AND PROPERTY DAMAGE. DO NOT MOVE AND PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!"
LEO: (Stunned, completely pale)
What...? Ben... campus police? We’re going to get expelled from the university!
BEN: (In total panic, swats the iPhone out of Leo's hand, slamming it to the ground)
Screw this, Leo! Patrol cars are coming! Let's move, let's move! They’re coming!
(Leo and Ben, completely terrified, leave all their gear scattered on the grass and sprint away at top speed in the opposite direction, tripping over branches and screaming in fear).
(The police siren shuts off. Absolute silence falls. From behind the trunk of a massive campus tree, PROFESSOR HARRINGTON steps out. He has a triumphant, ear-to-ear grin, and in his hand, he holds the portable megaphone he just used to fake the police voice).
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON: (Turns off the megaphone, walks to the center of the stage, and picks up the green toy, the cellophane flashlight, and the iPhone the students left behind)
Well, well, well... So "the old man swallowed it hook, line, and sinker," huh? Poor kids... they mistake years of experience for naivety. They forget that this old fox knows every single trick they’re barely trying to learn from the internet.
(Professor HARRINGTON looks directly at the audience, raises the green toy in the air like a literary trophy, and delivers his final line with a sharp, elegant smile):
PROFESSOR HARRINGTON:
As the literary classics used to say, my dear friends: "The prankster ended up pranked"... I didn't flunk you, boys; you flunked yourselves for failing to properly study your opponent. Now, with your phone confiscated for the rest of the academic year and my conscience clear, I am heading home for dinner. Good night!
(Professor HARRINGTON bows comically and theatrically to the audience, throws his bag over his shoulder, and walks off with his back perfectly straight and a smile of absolute victory).
T H E
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